Electricity sparked in the air as they stared at each other across the short distance. Harrison knew what Jeremy meant, what he wanted. It was the one experience they hadn’t yet had together and for the first time in his life, the idea made Harrison want to lick his lips in anticipation.
Harrison rarely allowed anyone else inside his body. It required a level of trust his previous partners had never managed to inspire. There had been a few occasions when he’d done it because the relationship he’d been in at the time would have ended if he didn’t and, as he’d said to Jeremy once before, he believed receiving without giving was bad manners. But he’d never been able to relax enough to truly enjoy the experience. Now, though, he was captivated by the notion that with Jeremy, everything might be different. Even to have such a thought was new, freeing. The world was opening up in ways he’d never believed possible for someone like him.
“I’ll make you a deal,” he said, his heart in his throat as he put the words out there. “Catch me before I make it back to the footpath, and you can have it.”
Jeremy’s eyes widened. His nostrils flared. And a feral grin spread slowly across his mouth. “Oh, now Ihaveto catch you.” He darted around the tree, almost catching Harrison by the wrist.
Taking off at a sprint, Harrison shot out from the protection of the trees. He could hear Jeremy behind him, his breath coming in harsh pants, his feet pounding away on the ground. Soon he’d pretend to run out of energy and he’d let his lover catch him. And they’d both be happy because they’d know this time it was Harrison who wanted to be caught.
The footpath was still fifty metres away when he became aware of a weird, unfamiliar pressure in his chest. He could feel the smile on his face, so wide it stretched his cheeks, but this time the smile wasn’t enough. The pressure continued to build, filling him from the inside out until there was barely enough room to drag air into his lungs. Panic streaked through him as it broke free, crashing out of him in a series of harsh, awkward sounds. He tried to stop it, but it kept coming. His steps faltered and then, as Jeremy grabbed onto the back of his shirt with a victorious cry, he went down.
He barely heard Jeremy call his name as he rolled to a stop before coming up onto his knees. He wrapped his arms around his convulsing stomach as the wretched sound continued to pour out of him. Tears streamed down his face and he bent over at the waist. He hoped he wasn’t about to throw up.
“Oh my God, are you laughing?” Jeremy’s voice was incredulous. “Fucking hell, you scared the crap out of me. I thought there was something wrong.”
Laughing? Was that what he was doing? This didn’t feel like laughing. Not that he remembered much about what laughing felt like.What the fuck has that kid got to be so happy about anyway?His father’s voice, an old record playing through the back of his mind.Shut him up or I’ll give him something to cry about.
An altogether different type of sound came out of him now and he covered his face with his hands. Was he still laughing? It sounded more like sobbing. Or was that just because he had more experience with one than the other.
Strong arms came around his shoulders, but he struggled against them. “Don’t you fucking touch me.” He scrambled away, only realising what he’d done when he saw Jeremy’s face. The deep frown, the green eyes wide with concern. “Jeremy, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” Jeremy shook his head. “Tell me what’s wrong with you.”
The same thing that’s always been wrong with me. I’m broken.
Looking around, Harrison saw they were alone. The closest person was more than fifty metres away. No one had witnessed his embarrassing display of… whatever that was. No one, except the person who mattered most.
Getting back to his feet, Harrison was horrified to find himself shaking all over. His face was still wet, tears of joy mingling with those of sorrow. He swiped them away and his eyes strung as sweat mixed in with everything else. “I’m fine.” Brushing grass off his knees, he avoided the other man’s gaze. “We should go, it’ll be dark soon.” He walked away, quickening to a slow jog after a few metres. Jeremy had no choice but to follow.
They ran the final few kilometres of the loop in silence.
“Do you want the first shower?” Jeremy asked as they walked through his front door.
“No, you go ahead.” Harrison wondered if he should leave while Jeremy was still getting cleaned up. It might make things easier on both of them if Jeremy didn’t have to ask him to go.
Jeremy only made it as far as the hallway before he turned around. “Who were you talking to?” he asked. “When you told me not to touch you, you weren’t talking to me. Who was it?”
Harrison took a deep breath as he faced him. “My father.” There was a long pause while they stared at each other. “He hated the sound of me laughing. Actually, he hated every sound I made,” he added with a half-hearted shrug. “Laughing, crying, playing, hell even chewing… but especially laughing.”
“So, you learnt not to do it,” Jeremy guessed. “Because he hurt you.”
Silence, and then, “Yes.”
“And that’s why you didn’t stay in England with your father after your mother died.”
“Yes.” This time the silence seemed interminable. Pain bloomed in his chest as he turned his gaze away. “I should go.”
“No, don’t.” He looked up to see Jeremy shaking his head slowly. “I don’t want you to go.”
Harrison’s heart quit beating for a moment, before restarting at a gallop. “Are you sure you still want me here?”
Jeremy swallowed, his lips pressing into a thin line. “No, I’m not sure,” he admitted. “But I know I don’t want you to go.”
It was less than Harrison wanted, but more than he’d hoped for. “That’s good enough for me.”
With a nod, Jeremy turned away. “At least now you’ve put one fear to rest,” he muttered as he trudged down the hall.
Harrison lifted his eyebrows. “What’s that?”
“You don’t laugh like a donkey.”
