“I look disgusting,” I sniffle, wiping my teary eyes with the cuff of my holey sleeve.
Billy grabs my face, squishing my cheeks together, popping open my lips like a fish, but it doesn’t hurt, even though he grabs me hard.
And even though he’s the scariest big kid in this place, I don’t think Billy would ever hurt me.
“Never say that.” I sniff my runny nose again, dropping my gaze, a tear splashing down onto his hand, his warm brown skin glistening with it. “You’re prettier than every single one of those girls. That’s why they did it, because they’re jealous. But it didn’t work,” he whispers that last part into my ear, cupping the side of my face in his warm palm, “because you’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, Nellie.”
My cheeks warm, and I can’t help but smile, flicking my eyes up onto his, bright blue, cold but warm, even in the dark. Billy laughs, chucking his finger under my chin as I shove at his chest.
“Besides, we’ll get them back, Nellie,” he informs me seriously, no longer smiling. “I’ll get them back.”
And the next day, not one of the girls in the group home has any hair left on their head at all.
But I… I have a bag full.
Skin damp with sweat, my breath pants, and terror makes my heart pound, my pulse flying, hammering hard in my ears as I hear his footsteps make a ‘shushing’ sound through the overgrown grass. I smother my nose and mouth with my cupped hand, squeezing my eyes shut tight, feeling a bead of sweat dribble down my temple into my hair. I try to hold my breath, be quiet.
I already know it’s not enough. He hunts me like a wolf scents blood, and since I’m bleeding, my scuffed knee, where I fell on the cracked tarmac, oozing, I know it won’t be long.
He wears the white collar of God, but nothing about him is holy when he comes into my room at night. Shared only with one other, another girl, younger than my thirteen, but not by much, and he didn't want her tonight.
“Penny,” he breathes heavily, the nickname he uses for me alone is enough to make me feel sick. “What you runnin’ all the way out here for?” Peter, the group home caretaker asks, looming over me from up above, his arms crossed over his chest, resting on the big round bump of his large belly. “And in the middle of the night, too,” he tuts, shaking his head gently, a twinkle in his eye that’s got nothing to do with the bright moon overhead. “You know the rules, Penny,” he whispers, a slow smile curling his thin lips. “All punishments are decided by me.”
I swallow at that, already dreading what’s coming. Knowing what I ran from would have been far better than whatever he’s going to do to me now.
“But I already hurt,” I whisper, wishing for mercy, for relief, for help.
And in this moment, I pray. To the only god I’ve ever known, one with warm brown skin, bright blue eyes, and thick hair that stands up on its end, and I pray to him now. Asking why he had to leave me, why he hasn’t come back. Praying for him to do just that. To come right now and save me. Take me away.
But he doesn’t.
“I know, Penny.” Peter’s smile only widens, the moon making his bald head shine like he wears a halo, but if this is what angels are, I don’t ever wanna meet another. “And if you hadn’t run, I would have been nicer tonight.” He blows out a breath, looking away, up at the sky, as though it hurts him to say these things, to have to do these things. “But now,” he sighs, not smiling anymore as he looks down at me, “now, I’m gunna have to make sure it really hurts.”
He reaches out for me then, his pudgy hand coming tight around my wrist, a shackle as he pulls me to my bare feet. He turns, dragging me back towards the huge house, every window dark. I stare up at the moon instead, nothing more than a sliver in the night sky, no stars, but an endless darkness instead, and I pray to another god, to all the gods, to any god that’ll listen, and ask for death.
Chapter 14
PENELOPE
It isn’t Billy’s hand I’m holding as I’m led down into labyrinths below the mass graves above.
It’s Dolly’s.
Long elegant fingers laced through mine, oval shaped nails painted a deep cherry-purple, the tips of them leaving little crescent indents in the skin on the back of my hand. Her floaty white floor-length dress is cinched in at the waist, a deep V-neck, and long sleeves widening the closer they get to her hands, covering her up to the knuckles. Her blonde hair is down, big heavy curls bouncing as we take the steps down.
She doesn’t speak, she hasn’t spoken to me once today, even as she waspreparingme. Curling my waist-length hair into heavy falling waves, lacquering my eyes in thick rings of black liner, painting my lips in a pale peach, hiding their natural ruby undertone. Before finally putting me in this gown. Floor-length black lace dress, sitting off the shoulders, exposing my Pairing mark, my clavicle, the gold chain to my locket nestled between my breasts. The sleeves are long, wide triangular cuffs coveringmy hands, my black painted nails. It hugs my waist, the skirts ballooning out at the hips and falling elegantly to the floor where it settles in a huge circle around my feet.
Dolly did it all with a far away stare and a blank expression, she didn’t speak, she didn’t answer any of my questions, and she just doesn’tfeelthe same as she did when we were together the other week. Out in the forest burying a body.
I think about running. I thought about running. I’ve thought about trying to escape from here ever since I got my lab results back at the doctor’s office, the smarmy look on Doctor Jay’s face when he told me that everything looks good and that I have a great chance of conceiving.
Billy was so relieved, shaking the doctor’s hand, thanking him.
Grateful.
And I, I couldn’t even form words, my tongue dry, sticking to the roof of my mouth as Doctor Jay smirked at me whilst Billy hugged me.
I felt guilt.
