A single tear spills free, my eyes wide, burning without blinking as I stare into his gaze, ocean-blue with depths unseen. All I have wanted for what feels like my entire life is to be with him.
A big house full of dark rooms and low lights, just Billy and I.
Lovesick little demons creeping in the dark.
“Shhh, Little Lamb, it’ll all be over soon.” Billy’s eyes flick up, over the top of my head, his finger creeping higher on my cheek, wiping my tear.
A shadow falls over us, their presence a warm shift in temperature at my spine. Billy, still smothering my face with one hand, my own hands gripped tightly around his forearm but nothurting anymore, just holding onto him, takes something from whoever it is. Bringing it down from over the top of my head, the tail end of it grazing down the front of my shoulder. My eyes widening when I see what it is, a thick strip of brown leather, like a belt without the buckle.
“I’m going to move my hand, and you are going to be silent,” he tells me firmly, not even glancing at what’s in his free hand, focussing only on me. “You’re not going to struggle.”
I heave in a breath at his words, panic ripping through me like a tornado. My entire body trembles and his mouth curls up at one corner.
“You’re only going to look at me.” His hand loosens a little, still pressed over my lips, and blood rushes back to my cheek and chin. “You’re going to be a good girl and do as you’re told.” His bright eyes flick between my dark ones, his brows lifting, “Okay?” His hand slips off the lower half of my face until he’s palming my throat, his thumb stroking over my hammering pulse. “Okay?”
I still say nothing, and it’s like his anger is suddenly doused with panic, his patience leaving him in a rush, and then he dips in, pulling me closer by his hold on my neck, pressing his forehead to mine.
“I’ve had to remember you for longer than I’ve known you,” his words a ghostlike kiss to my mouth. “And I don’t want it to be that way anymore, Little Lamb,” I swallow, my throat bobbing beneath his palm, tears stinging my eyes, because he’s being sincere, I can feel it as deeply as my own emotions. “Tell me you understand.” His eyes flutter closed, and he breathes me in deep, his fingers flexing on my throat. “You have to say it,” he whispers, “or everything I’ve done for you will have been for nothing.”
Tears burn my eyes, a few stray ones falling, rolling down my cheeks, because I’m scared of what’s to come, but I think I’m more afraid of what happens if I don’t comply.
The only thing worse than death would be having to spend the rest of my life without him.
I feel his words deep inside my bones, our separation hurting more now that I know what it’s like to have him back for a moment, a swirling cyclone of razor blades tearing through my gut at the thought of living without him again.
I was dying.
“Just do this with me, so we never have to feel like that again.” He kisses my lips, tasting my tears, licking over my mouth. “Okay, Little Lamb?”
I want to scream no, I want to know what’s about to happen to me, I want to know what all of thismeansfirst. But it’s clear, in this moment, that’s not what’s about to happen.
So I just mouth, “Okay, Billy.” The words are silent, my lips moving, but he hears them, even without the sound, because he knows me, even after all this time.
He’s the only person who does.
“Good girl,” he praises in that same hushed tone, drawing back from me, his eyes flicking from my mouth to my eyes. He lifts the strip of leather up towards my face, “Bite down on this,” he instructs, “never look away from me,” he tells me as I do what he says, tasting the leather, breathing it in. “You only look at me, okay?” I nod because that’s all I can do, it’s shaky, butnot.I almost feel a little bit lighter, having the instructions, not having to think, letting the panic melt. “All you have to do is stay still and keep your eyes on me, don’t shut them, you just keep them on me.”
Biting the leather, teeth creaking, my nostrils flared, Billy shuffles back from me, still on his knees, still facing me, and even when bodies approach me and him, I hold still. Kneesstill grinding into the small mosaic tiles, I ignore the ache in my lower spine, in my ankles, my feet where they’re crushed beneath me, resting back on my haunches.
Bram steps up to Billy, handing him a matching strip of leather, presumably for between his teeth too, both of us in the same position.
Kneeling, vulnerable.
Billy’s eyes flick over my head, nodding to someone at my back, “Left side of her chest,” he calls out firmly, and then strong arms are looping through mine, wrenching them behind my back, knees on either side of my folded legs, my shins flush with the ground, and that panic flares bright again, my eyes wide, but I keep them on Billy, not struggling.
That is until Gore turns around.
In his now gloved hand, he holds a long piece of steel coloured metal, the end of which is glowing a fiery bright orange-red. I’m shaking my head, trying to back up, but the man at my spine holds me still in a vice tight grip, his knees pressing painfully into the sides of my folded legs, my bottom pressing against his groin. Nobody says anything, not until Gore drops down in front of me, tears clinging to my lashes, but I don’t cry, focussing my attention over his shoulder, on his brother, Billy’s eyes focused hard on me.
Strength.
That’s what I pull from him.
So when Gore whispers, “Par,” his breath ghosting across my lips, I don’t look into his dark green eyes, I hold onto bright blues instead.
But I can’t stop the scream, no matter how hard I try. It tears up my throat like a demon being exorcised out of me, muffled by leather, but loud enough to deafen. Fire and ice rips its way down my spine in equal measure, warring and blending as my teeth drill down into the leather strip.
I don’t breathe as Gore holds the brand steady against my chest, my temples pounding, veins and tendons in my head and neck straining so hard it feels like everything is going to snap, but I keep staring over his shoulder. Even though my vision’s blurry, my lashes heavy with unshed tears, I keep my gaze on Billy.
