He hunches his shoulders. “Am I wrong?”
I recall the fantasies I’ve had about him, Auggie, film stars, musicians, and the hot guy in my physics class in the sixth form. I reflect on the times I’ve jacked off to porn, getting hot and bothered watching two sexy guys going at it and how much I wanted to kiss Auggie last night, how a part of me was desperate to get naked with him and to do a lot more.
My stomach churns, and my lungs feel like they’ve turned to liquid that’s sloshing around in my chest.
Casey rests his head against mine. “We have different needs and desires, and that’s okay.”
I sniff.
“You like Auggie. He seems to like you. I’m glad you’re going for it.”
Is he, really? “There’s more to relationships than sex.”
“I know. But if you need and want the sexual side of a relationship, you’re unlikely to be happy without it. It’s something you need to feel fulfilled. I can understand that, even if I don’t want it.” He clasps my hand. “I’ll always be your best friend, Em. But I can’t see how we can be more than that.”
I clench my teeth. My vision is wobbly again. “Even though I love you? Even though you think you love me?”
He shrugs.
“We could make it work.”
“How, Em? Either you’d have to do without something you want or I’d feel the need to do stuff I’m not interested in. Maybe I’d even like it on some level, but that’s not the same as desiring it.”
“I’d never ask you to do something you didn’t want to.”
“I know. And I could never ask you to give up something you did want. See the problem?”
“Yes.”
“Where do we go from here?”
“You’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you.”
He squeezes my hand. “I don’t want to lose you either. But things aren’t going to be the same, are they?”
I shake my head. If only I’d never set out to make him jealous. I shouldn’t have told him how I felt about him. What we had before was better than this. Knowing he might love me makes my heart ache. He thinks he’s not enough for me, but really, it’s the other way around. I’m not enough for him because he’s right. I don’t want to give up sex, even though I’ve never had it.
“Come here.”
I go into Casey’s arms like a moth to a flame. We hold each other, clinging on with sad desperation.
“Auggie’s a great guy,” he whispers.
“I know.”
“If you need my blessing—and I hope you don’t—you’ve got it. I want you to be happy, Em. I want you to have everything you desire.”
Except him. I can’t have him, and that’s something I’m going to have to move on from.
* * *
Auggie is waiting for me as I leave my first lecture of the day on Monday morning.
“I didn’t see you in there,” I say.
“That’s because I wasn’t. I arrived about five minutes ago.”
I stare at him.
