I choke out a laugh. “I’m not sure about that.”
“I am. You’ll do well on Friday, and you’ll be on fire on Saturday at the competition.”
“You’ll be there?” Why am I asking? I know he will be. Auggie told me as much. Yet I need to hear it from Em as well.
“Yes. Of course.”
“I’ll try my best.”
“That’s all I’ll ever ask of you. Speaking of trying your best, are you keeping on top of schoolwork?”
I shake my head. I haven’t been able to concentrate on that either. I’ve been a total mess since Monday.
“Want some help?”
“Em, I can’t—”
“You’re not asking. I’m offering. Get your books. We’ll look at your work together.”
I hug him tight. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Of course you do. You’re my best friend. Nothing’s going to change that.”
I sit and stare at him. “Promise?”
“Yes.” He cups my cheek like he did the other night.
I want to lean into his touch. The butterflies are back, light and fluttery. What is this feeling? Is this attraction? Love?
I need to do more research. I’ve done a little, but not enough. I’ve read some websites that seemed quite clinical. What was the other thing Auggie suggested I do? Find forums so I can read other people’s experiences.
“Can we take a rain check on studying tonight?”
Em frowns. “Sure, but I wouldn’t want you to fall further behind.”
“It’s fine. I’ll be able to catch up. With your help.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m feeling a lot better. Thank you.” I press my cheek against his palm.
He widens his eyes.
“I need to go.” I scramble off the bed and go to the door. I pause and look at him. “Em, I—” I bite my tongue. Sort my head out first. Talk to Em second. I can’t rush into anything until I’m sure of how I’m feeling. “Good night.”
“Night.”
I go to my room, sit at my desk, and open my laptop. It doesn’t take me long to find a forum for asexuals. I click on the search bar and type in ‘How do you know you like someone?’ I widen my eyes at the results. Someone else has already asked that question, and lots of people have answered. I read through the responses, my heart quivering as some of them resonate with me.
‘I know when I want to spend time with someone with no one else around.’
‘When I can visualise going on a date with them.’
‘When I want to hug them.’
‘When I’m happy whenever I’m around them.’
I’m sniffling by the time I get to the end of the thread. I’m not sad. If anything, I’m happy. I feel seen and understood. I’m not alone.
