“Yes. It’s helped clarify some things for me, and it’s also interesting to read about other people’s experiences. I know you told me it was a spectrum, but I didn’t appreciate what that meant until I read posts and comments on the forum. Everyone’s experiences seem to be different. There doesn’t seem to be a right way to be ace. Logically I should have realised that, but emotionally I hadn’t.”
“And now?” Em’s voice is soft.
“I’m getting there. I’m happy to label myself as asexual now. Demi doesn’t feel right. My emotional connection to you has been intense for some time, but I still don’t have any interest in having sex with you. Grey-ace doesn’t feel right either. If I were going to feel sexual attraction to anyone, it would be the two of you, but I don’t. So yeah. I’m ace. And I know you already knew that, and I suppose I did too, but I needed to acknowledge it out loud. I needed to own it.”
They hug me so tightly that I’m sure they’re going to break my bones between them. Thankfully, they don’t.
“I got sidetracked. Sorry. I mentioned the forums because one of the threads was about making out. A lot of the people who commented said they didn’t like it, but some of those were repulsed by the sight and sound of others doing it, while others were fairly nonplussed about it. There were also people who said they enjoyed it. That they liked the intimacy of it, even if they didn’t get anything sexual out of it. So I thought maybe I should try because I know I like being close to you, and I don’t mind when you make out when I’m around. So maybe once I’m over the initial shock of having someone else’s tongue in my mouth, there’s a chance I’ll enjoy it. But I might not. I’m babbling now, aren’t I?”
Auggie rubs my shoulder. “A little. You’re tense and nervous.”
“I know my first kiss was meant to be fake, but Auggie made it wonderful. He’ll take care of you, like he took care of me,” Em says.
“That kiss wasn’t fake,” I say.
“It won’t be fake if and when I kiss you in that way. Do you want me to?” Auggie asks.
”Yes.” What’s the point in putting it off? I’ve decided I want to try. Nerves be damned.
He puts his fingers under my chin and guides my lips towards his. “Relax if you can. We’ll start with a closed-mouth kiss. Part your lips whenever you feel ready.”
His lips meet mine, and we kiss. It’s soft and slow, which is how I like it. It makes me think of first kisses in old romance movies. Those moments were all about romance. About people confessing their love without the need for words. Romance is something I can do. Something I’ve discovered I need. Kisses like this make my pulse race and lead to butterflies throwing parties in my stomach. But I know I enjoy this type of kiss, and I want to try more. I part my lips. Auggie’s tongue slips into my mouth and brushes against mine. It’s a strange sensation. The thought of something being in my mouth that I can’t control makes me want to gag. I pull away, heart pounding for all the wrong reasons.
“I’m sorry.” I want the sofa to swallow me whole.
“It’s fine.” He strokes my cheek.
Em hugs me.
Should I ask Em to kiss me like that to see if it will make a difference? I know in my heart it won’t. “I’m sure you’re a great kisser. I bet you both are. But—”
“It’s not for you?” Auggie asks.
“No.”
“It’s fine,” Em says.
“Is it?”
“Yes. I still get to kiss you on the lips, right?”
“Yes, as long as there’s no tongue.”
He grins. “That’s all I need. And I wouldn’t even need that if you didn’t like it.”
“I do.”
He chuckles. “I know.”
We fall into a comfortable silence. I debate asking if they want to watch something on TV, but I’m enjoying simply being with them. The evening slips by in a haze of kissing and cuddling.
“It’s almost the end of term,” Auggie says as I’m getting sleepy. “Do you go home?”
“Not for the whole four weeks, but we’ll go back for Christmas week,” Em replies.
“Why not for the whole break?” Auggie asks.
“I have two younger, very noisy siblings. I can’t concentrate on studying if I’m home.”
