"Well, I started experimenting when I was around fifteen.”
"You mean jacking off?"
"Aye. Can I assume that in this pretend scenario, you have been too?"
"Yes." It's getting hard to breathe. As much as I want to have this conversation, bad memories are knocking on the edges of my consciousness, and it's taking a lot of my energy to keep them at bay.
"I think we'd lie together,” Rory says. “Jacking ourselves off. It's nothing we wouldn't have done on our own, and we were close enough that we wouldn't have been embarrassed."
"Would I have known that you liked me by then?"
"Probably." Rory rolls onto his side and gazes at me.
I keep my stare fixed on the ceiling.
"Do you think you'd have liked me back?"
"Yes. Because in this pretend scenario, Coach never came to town."
"I like this scenario."
I turn my head enough to look at him from the corner of my eyes. "Me too. Do you”—I lick my lips—“do you want to act it out?"
"Yes." Rory's voice is soft, gentle, and reassuring. "Do you?"
"Yes," I whisper. "I think I do." My heart hammers fiercely. I'm doing everything I can to keep the bad memories away. I'm here with Rory. I'm safe.
"You can use your safe words," Rory reminds me.
My brow furrows. "But this isn't a scene."
"Maybe not, but safe words don't have to be confined to one.”
"Knowing I can slow things down or stop them altogether makes me feel better." I blow out a breath. "What now?"
"We should probably get out of our jeans."
"Right." My face becomes even hotter. "And our underwear?"
"No rush."
"Okay."
We undo our jeans and take them off, each dropping them on the floor on our respective sides of the bed. Then we lie still, staring at the ceiling, our hands resting on our stomachs. My heart is still going crazy. I don’t know how I can want to do something but be terrified simultaneously.
I'm not sure how much time passes before Rory speaks again.
"Are you ready to take our underwear off? No rush," he repeats.
"If we go at my pace, we’ll be here all day."
"Would that be a bad thing?"
"I need to go to see Niamh and Aidan."
"Of course. I'm sorry."
I shake my head. "Don't be." I draw in a shaky breath. "Underwear off," I say decisively, even though I feel anything but.
