I turn away and suck in a sob.
"Cal." He puts his hand on my shoulder and swipes his thumb across it slowly. "Are you okay?"
"Why would you want me?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm broken. And as you've already pointed out, I'm straight."
"Are you sure?"
I laugh and sob at the same time. "No. But I've been with women, so I'm not gay either."
"You're probably bisexual. Attracted to both men and women."
"I know what it means."
"I'm sorry."
"No. I am.” I take a deep breath. “You're trying to help, and I'm being snippy. I'm just so confused, Rory. Half an hour ago, I was sure I was straight. Then you turned me on, and I kissed you. It feels like I've been tipped upside down and shaken like a rag doll.”
"That doesn't sound like a good feeling."
"It's not great. It’s another reason you shouldn't want anything to do with me."
The mattress shifts as he moves nearer. I can feel the warmth of his body close to my back, and fuck, I want him to wrap his arms around me. What I don’t know is whether it’s a comforting, friendly hug that I’m craving or something more.
"I think you should let me decide if I want to be with you or not,” he says.
"Do you?" I'm afraid of what the answer might be. If it's no, my head will be relieved, but my heart will be devastated. If it's yes, I’ll have to face the confusion head-on and perhaps the demons of my past too. I'm not ready for that. I'm not strong enough.
"Yes." He rests his forehead against my back. "God, yes. Callan, I've always been at least a little in love with you."
The air rushes out of my lungs. My head spins. "You have?"
"Yes."
Well, that’s a revelation. “When we were kids?”
“Yes.” I don’t know how a single word can hold so much sadness, but it does.
How come I didn’t know? Or did I? I don’t know, and my thoughts are too wild to attempt to sift back through my memories to figure out what I did or didn’t know. Besides, if I try to recall that part of my life, I’ll rememberhimtoo. Rather than worrying about the past, I should concentrate on the here and now and what happens next.
"What do we do now?" My heart pounds while I wait for him to answer.
"What do you want to do?"
I understand why Rory keeps batting the ball back into my court, but it would be so much easier if he made decisions for me. He’s a Dom. Doesn’t that mean he’s meant to take charge? And yet as much as I want him to tell me how to think and feel, I also don’t. I’ve had my choices taken away from me before. I know Rory won’t do that to me. I have to figure out how I’m feeling and what I want on my own.
I lick my lips. “I don't want to forget this ever happened. I don't want to bury it and never talk about it again. I'm confused, scared, and overwhelmed.” All understatements, but my mind isn’t lithe enough right now to pick the words that will precisely convey the mess of feelings in my head. “I think—” I have to pause to take a breath. My heart is beating so fast that I’m worried I might pass out. “You're the only person I would dare to explore my sexuality with, but I want to. God, do I want to. I don't want to hurt you, Rory, but there's every chance I could freak out. Only one man has ever touched me like that.” My head is spinning. My palms are clammy. “And he still resides in my head. A monster that can rear his head at any moment.” Thinking and talking about him makes my stomach churn. I think I’m going to throw up. But I can’t stop. I have to make Rory understand. “He’s worse than the monster under the bed because no parent can chase him away. He's not make-believe. He's a real person who hurt me in an awful way. Worst of all, he’s still out there. And I'm scared that he’ll stop me from being whole. I'm scared he'll stop me from loving you."
“Would it be okay if I hugged you?”
I nod, even though I’m not one hundred per cent sure. On the one hand, I know I trust Rory. On the other, thinking and talking about Coach has left me raw. If my body revolts against my heart, I won’t be able to do a damn thing about it.
Rory puts his arms around me. My heart sighs. A fraction of the tension that’s making my body ache drifts away. Rory is my safe place.
He pulls me against his chest and holds me tight. "He won't stop you from doing anything. We won't let him. You won't let him. You said you trust me."
