I want to say better, but there’s an icy tension between us that wasn’t there the last time I saw Niamh. Maybe the decision to break up wasn’t as mutual as I thought.
“I’m not ready to be a parent either.” Niamh wrings her hands. “Maybe I should have told you sooner. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you at all.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
She draws in a breath, winces, and then rubs her chest. “Everything’s getting squashed, including my lungs.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Women are supposed to be designed for carrying babies, but I’m not convinced.” She meets my stare. “We should talk about how involved you want to be after the baby’s born.”
“Are you staying in London?”
Niamh raises her chin. “Yes. I’ve got no reason to go back to Dublin.”
Her family are in Dublin. Aren’t they helping her out?
“I’ll be almost four hundred miles away.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know how involved I can be.” I clench my hands. “I’ll pay maintenance. I’ll use my holiday allowance to come to visit.” Will I be able to afford to do both? I’ll have to find a way.
Her chin trembles. “That’s more than I was hoping for.”
“Why?”
“We’re not together anymore. Why should you care?”
“I’ll always care about you, Niamh.”
She sniffs. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? You cared about me. You just didn’t love me.”
“That’s not—”
“Yes, it is,” she snaps. “If you loved me, you’d have let me in. You wouldn’t have kept me at arm’s length.”
“I—” There’s no sense in denying it. She’s right. I decide to do what I do best: change the subject. “Will you call me when you go into labour? I want to be there.”
“Holding my hand?”
“Unless you want someone else?”
She shakes her head and stares out the window. “Mam’s heartbroken that I’m pregnant but not married.” She rolls her eyes. “She doesn’t think I should have had sex outside of marriage. I’m pretty sure she was convinced I was a virgin. To be fair, I never told her differently.”
Niamh’s family is very religious, something she quietly rebelled against.
“I thought about getting an abortion. I’m not ready to be a mam. I don’t know what kind of life I can give this baby.” She strokes her belly. “But she’d never have forgiven me. Things aren’t great between us now, but I reckon she’ll come around once the baby’s born. It’ll be her first grandchild.” She taps the arm of the chair. “I had a boyfriend, but once I started showing, he lost interest. He didn’t want to ‘play dad to someone else’s brat’. His words. Not mine. So right now, it’s just me.” She looks into my eyes. “I’m scared, Callan.”
“I’m here.”
“Right now, you are. But for how long? It’s not like we’re going to get back together and play happy families, is it?”
“Is that what you want?”
Niamh laughs and shakes her head. “No. A baby can’t fix or save an already broken relationship. Us getting back together wouldn’t be fair on anyone. I’ll cope.” She smiles. “But I won’t say no to squeezing your hand while I’m in labour.”
I hold my hands up and wiggle my fingers. “I have two.”
