“I can’t hug and make up, Stefan. I can’t pretend she didn’t abandon us. It’s been too long for that.”
My chest squeezes tight. “I know.”
We fall quiet as Mum returns with three huge mugs of steaming coffee balanced on a tray. She puts them on the table and then takes the tray back to the counter. She sits opposite us, which makes the situation feel more like an interview than a reunion.
“You got big.”
“It’s been sixteen years,” Beau says.
Mum’s mouth quivers. She looks between us. “Why look for me now after all this time?”
Beau clenches his fists. “We tried when you first decided to abandon us.” Beau’s voice is heavy with bitterness, reflecting the feeling deep within my heart. “We asked Aunt Gill, but she said she hadn’t heard from you. We even waited at Grandma and Granddad’s grave for you.”
Mum’s eyes fill up with tears. “I didn’t know. I thought…” She shakes her head.
I run my gaze over her. Her hair—the strands that aren’t streaked with grey—is exactly the same shade of brown as Beau’s. It’s probably the same shade as my hair too, but I haven’t seen my natural colour since I was twenty and decided to dye it black. She’s shorter than I remember. Then again, Beau and I are much taller than we were when she left. She looks weary. As well as the bags under her eyes, she has heavy crow’s feet, deep laughter lines, and her forehead has permanent creases. I knew she’d look a lot older, but I’d hoped she would look happy and fresh.
“We couldn’t send you birthday or Christmas cards because we didn’t know where you were,” Beau says. “And by the time we were old enough to look for you properly, I just didn’t care anymore.”
Mum sniffles and looks away. “Why now?”
“We need answers.” I try to make my tone more diplomatic than Beau’s. “We need to know why you left us.”
“I left your father.”
“You leftus,” Beau says.
Mum lifts her chin. “How is he anyway?”
“In prison.”
“Again,” I mutter.
“We ended up in care,” Beau says. “Did you know that?”
“Yes.”
Beau’s shoulders sag. I feel like I’ve just gone down a huge dip on a roller coaster.
Beau leans forward. “You knew?” He shakes his head and glares at the floor, eyes sparkling with held-back tears.
I feel it too. Anger twisting my gut into a thousand knots. She knew, and she didn’t come back for us.
I take a deep breath in an effort to steady my voice. “Why did you leave?”
Mum sucks in a breath. “The first time your dad was arrested, I started drinking to numb the pain. At first, it was one gin and tonic after you boys had gone to bed. Then it was two. Then I’d open a bottle of wine after taking you to school. Before I knew it, it was out of control.” She stares at her hands. “I wasn’t fit to be a mother, but I struggled on, doing the best I could for you until your dad got out. But then I had to go. I had to get well again.” She stares at us, eyes wide and imploring. “You have to believe me. I had every intention of coming back as soon as I was done with rehab. But it took longer than I thought to get sober. I’d almost managed it, but then your dad filed for a divorce, and I fell off the wagon.
“By the time I felt able to be a mum again, your dad was back in prison, and you were in care. Social services told me you were doing well. That you were happy.” Her chin quivers. “I didn’t want to take that away from you. I knew your foster family would be better parents to you than your dad or I had ever been. So I walked away.” She reaches out to us. “It was such a hard decision to make. I wanted you back, but I was afraid you’d hate me for leaving the first time. I was worried I’d end up drinking again. That I’d fail you again. It was better for me to stay away.”
I stare at her outstretched hand. I want to take it, but I can’t make myself move to do so. Her story rings with sadness and desperation, and yet I’m not sure I can believe it.
“Dad filed for divorce?” Beau asks. His voice is quiet and hollow.
“Yes.”
“Did… did he know where you were?”
“At first, yes. He knew I was in rehab. I left you boys a note. You must have read it?”
