“A little.” I stroke his arm. “But I’m with this amazing guy, who I find really sexy, and who I trust more than anyone. I know he won’t laugh at me if I try something new and end up embarrassing myself. He’ll hold me and tell me it’s okay.”
“Who is this guy?” Fitz asks. “Should I be jealous?”
I cup his face and kiss him. “It’s you, dummy.” I rest my forehead against his. “The point I was trying to make is that I’m not worried about trying new things with you. We might not like everything, but we won’t know unless we give things a go.”
“What do you want to try?”
“I’d like to jack you off. I’d like you to jack me off.” I study his face, looking for any flickers of fear.
Fitz keeps his expression surprisingly neutral, but he also stays quiet.
“I’d like to try giving you a blow job,” I admit. “I know how great it feels to receive one. Which isn’t a hint,” I add hurriedly.
“I know.”
I take a breath. “And I think, one day, when we’re both ready, I’d like to make love.”
He exhales and nods. I can’t tell if he’s agreeing with my wish list or acknowledging that he’s heard it.
“And do you…? I mean, were you thinking that…?” He fidgets against me. “How did you imagine…? Who would…?”
“Top or bottom?” I ask, hopefully guessing the ending of at least one of his questions correctly.
He nods.
“I don’t know. I’musedto being the top.” I pause and frown. “Do guys top women? Is that the right word?”
“You’re used to taking the lead?” Fitz offers.
“Yes. But you must be too.”
“Sort of, I guess. Emma liked to be in charge. She took the lead.” He sucks in a breath. “And you don’t want to hear about my and my ex’s sex life.”
“She always did strike me as someone who would want to be bossy in the bedroom. Did you like it?”
“Yeah…”
“You don’t sound sure.”
“No, I did. But it will be different forus. The mechanics will be different.”
“You mean who sticks what where?” I ask.
“Basically, yes. But like you said, we won’t know if we like things unless we try.”
“I also said we don’t need to tryanythinguntil we’rebothready. When we get to that point, I think I’d like to try both ways.”
“You would?” Fitz asks, his eyes big and round.
“Yes.” I brush my fingers over his cheeks as I think about what I just said. “Yes,” I repeat in a more confident tone. “As long as I’m with you, I’ll feel safe enough to try anything.”
“Legal,” Fitz says with an amused grin.
I chuckle. “Yes, anything legal. I hope you’ll feel safe enough to try too?”
He nods hesitantly. “This isn’t a demi thing,” Fitz says. “This is just me being nervous.” He looks up into my eyes and strokes my beard again. “I love you. I think you’re sexy. I want to be sexy with you, but…”
“I’m nervous too.” I do a double-take. “Hold up. Youloveme?”
