“It’s okay,” Kyrone assured him. “Let it all out. I’m here.”
“It’s just so fucking unfair,” Jared hissed. “What did I do to deserve any of this?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s just it, isn’t it? You don’t know that.Idon’t know that. My parents kept Jag’s existence from me. What else haven’t they told me?” He clutched Kyrone’s T-shirt in his hands. He was so angry it was all-consuming. “I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life.” He knew he was whining, but he didn’t care. He’d kept his grief inside himself for too long, and now it was desperate to spill out as hot and destructive as lava from a volcano. “I’m so tired of struggling every day. I’m so tired of putting on a brave face all the time, of pretending I’m all right when I’m really not. It’s just sohard.”
Kyrone held him tightly, not speaking but soothing him all the same.
“I losteverything, Ky,” Jared croaked. His throat felt rough and sore from crying. “I lost twenty years of my life, and I’m never going to get them back. I’m never going to remember any of it.”
“Oh, kiddo.”
Jared turned his head sharply at the sound of Faye’s voice. He hadn’t even realised she was there. She was standing at the top of the stairs, her hand covering her mouth, her eyes wide.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, her voice soft rather than angry.
She had every right to be angry. He should have told her about his amnesia from the start, but he’d kept it from her and for what? So she wouldn’t treat him like a freak? Faye deserved more than that. She was a better person than that. Jared turned his face into Kyrone’s chest and cried harder. He heard Faye come closer and then felt her hand join Kyrone’s on his back.
“As hard as it’s been on me, I know it’s been hurting other people more. My family. Jag. And they’re just the people I know about. How can they grieve and let me go when I’m still here? How can I grieve when I don’t even really know what I’ve lost?” Half of his words had been smothered by Kyrone’s T-shirt; the other had been garbled by the painful, ugly sobs that shook his body and made his head pound even more. Passing out from the pain would have been a blessing; it would have spared him the anguish that was burning him up.
Nobody said anything, probably because there was nothing to say. Neither Kyrone nor Faye could give him any answers, because there weren’t any to give. He was like a ghost in his own life, not really there, but not able to move on to something better either. He couldn’t even think of a future with Kyrone, because he couldn’t make himself dare to believe that Kyrone would end up choosing a life with him when he was so broken.
“Have you ever let any of this out before?” Kyrone asked.
Jared shook his head.
“Not even when you first woke up?”
“No. I was numb to start with,” Jared whispered. “It was all so hard to take in. Then I put all my energy into getting better. The doctor said I’d probably get my memory back…”
“Once you’d been awake for as long as you’d been in the coma,” Kyrone finished for him when his voice broke again.
“Yes.”
“And when it didn’t?” Kyrone asked. “Did you let your pain out then?”
“No. Mother was crying all the time. My sisters were pretty upset too. My father was stoic. Stiff upper lip and all that. And I… I…” He shook his head. “I don’t know why I didn’t break down. I don’t know how I’ve held myself together for this long. I don’t even know why I’m falling apartnow. In the grand scheme of things, having a headache and dropping my hours down to part time isnothingcompared to what I’ve already dealt with.”
“Maybe you’ve just reached your breaking point,” Faye suggested. “Your glass has been filling up, and it took one last thing for it to overflow.”
“Like a dam breaking,” Kyrone added.
“I want it to stop,” Jared said. “I hate feeling this way. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to be coping. I—” The tears overwhelmed him again, and he clutched Kyrone’s T-shirt even tighter. “I’m sorry.” It was the only thing left to say.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Kyrone whispered before kissing the top of his head. “Nothing at all.”
“I want my life back,” Jared said desperately. It was the first time he’d admitted that out loud. “I just want to be happy and healthy. I want to be the person my family and everyone else I ever knew know me to be. I want to take their pain away, and I can’t. I can barely even bring myself to talk to them because it hurts so much every time I look into their eyes and see how disappointed they are that I’m not the person I was. Every day I can’t remember hurts them more. And ifIcan’t remember, I just want to be forgotten too. Why can’t I erasetheirmemories ofme? Why can’t I make everything right?” He was talking nonsense, and he knew it.
Kyrone’s chest shuddered, and Jared realised his lover was crying too. He could hear Faye sniffling behind him as well.
“Now I’ve hurt you as well,” he breathed. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that,” Kyrone rasped. “I’m glad you’re telling me all this. I’m glad you finally feel able to let it all out. You don’t always have to be the strong one, babe. For fuck’s sake, you’ve been stronger than anyone had any right to expect of you. Your family put a huge weight on your shoulders, and so did Jag. They might not have meant to, but they did. You are wonderful and amazing, and if they’re so consumed by the past that they can’t see past it, then it’stheirloss. Cry or rant or scream if that’s what you need. I will hold you through it all.” To prove it, he wrapped his arms around Jared more tightly. “I’m not going to let you go,” Kyrone told him. “No matter how bad it gets, you’re stuck with me.”
Jared jerked his head up and gasped. “But—”
Kyrone put a finger over his lips. “Don’t question it,” he said. “Just believe it. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I don’t need anything other than you, exactly as you are.”
