"Anything?"
Jared shook his head. "No, and there never will be. I'd resigned myself to that, but last night..." He trailed off and shuddered. "I've heard people say they wish they could forget something bad that happened or something that they did wrong."
"I can relate to that," Kyrone said.
"But it's awful, Ky, forgetting. It's the most terrible, lonely thing."
Kyrone wrapped his arms around Jared and held him tight. "I can't imagine what it's been like for you."
"Dark," Jared said. "Cold."
Kyrone didn't know what to say to that.
"It's not just my head that has forgotten. I think that would be easier to handle. But my heart has forgotten too. Last night, Jag was so upset, so desperate, and I couldn't feel more than sadness for him." He hung his head. "It's the same with my family. I can see how much they love me, but I don't feel anything back. That's the hardest part, Ky. Not the memories. But losing what was in here." He pressed his hand over his heart. "Why did all of that have to get taken from me?"
"I don't know," Kyrone whispered. He felt guilty because as wretched as Jared sounded, a part of him was glad that his lover’s heart had forgotten Jag. If it hadn’t, he knew he wouldn’t be able to compete with the man.
Jared sighed and pushed the picture and note towards him. "Would you give these to Jag?"
Kyrone frowned.
"I don't need to remember to be able to understand that I did care for him once. The tattoo has to be linked to the book I gave him. It's too similar to the bird on the cover not to be. I don't know exactly why I got it… Whether it was to remember him or to remember to be true to myself like I'd wanted him to be. And the note... You're right. It has to be about Jag. I signed the book to 'J', not 'Jeremy'. I was looking for him. I'd found him. Maybe I was planning on coming here before..." His voice cracked, and he squeezed his eyes shut. "Anyway, I think he should know that the boy he knew cared enough to look for him. Maybe it will help him grieve for that person."
Kyrone wasn't sure he could speak. His throat felt thick, and his tears stung his eyes. Jared's words had been heartbreaking. All of them.
"Are you... Are you sure you don't want to give them to him yourself?"
Jared shook his head. "I don't think it would help, do you? He was in so much pain last night because ofme. I think being around me right now is going to hurt him even more, and I don't want that.”
"You're amazing," Kyrone breathed.
"No, I'm not. I think I'm pretty selfish."
Kyrone jerked his head back. If anyone was selfish, it was him because his heart had felt lighter when Jared had as good as said he didn't want to see Jag again.
"Why?" he managed to ask.
"I'm protecting myself," Jared said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "It's hard to be around people who used to know me. As much as I want to remember, it hurts every time I can't. I told you how exhausting it was to listen to my parents tell me stories of my childhood. It was the same last night. I'm trying to get well, Ky. I can't do that if I keep trying to cling on to a past I've lost."
Kyrone pressed his hand over his mouth. He really couldn't speak anymore.
“Could you also tell him that I won’t talk to my parents about him?”
It was a good thing Kyrone already had his hand over his mouth because it suppressed the gasp that left him. He lowered his hand. “That’s not fair for you, Jared. You have every right to ask them to help you fill in the blanks in your life.”
Jared shook his head. “Jag’s need to feel safe outweighs my need to know the truth about my past.” He smiled. “Especially as I just told you I need to stop holding on to everything I’ve lost.” He pressed his palm over Kyrone’s cheek. “I’m happy.Thisis my life now.Thisis what I need to focus on.”
Amazed by his lover’s words, Kyrone cupped Jared’s face in his hands. “You are so easy to fall in love with,” he whispered before smothering his words with a long, slow kiss.
He ended up pushing Jared to the floor, where he covered him with his own body. Their hands skimmed over each other as one kiss ran into another and another. It felt like Jared was coming back to him, physically at least, which filled him with joy.
Jared stilled him by placing a firm hand on Kyrone’s chest. “I would love to do this all day, but I have to go to work.”
“Are you okay? I’m sure Faye would understand if you needed to take some time.”
“I’m fine,” Jared promised him. “I’ve been awake for a while, thinking things through. Besides, I think I’ve had enough time off already, don’t you?”
Kyrone rested his forehead against Jared’s. “Do you want me to meet you after work?”
