“Mostly?”
“I’m not going to pretend that Idon’twant my memories back and that I’m not grieving the loss of who I was, but I have to make a life for myself without them. Who I was is gone. The only life I can have now is based around who Iam.”
“That’s very brave,” Kyrone whispered.
“No, it’s pragmatic. There’s no sense in wallowing in self-pity. I’m lucky to be alive. I need to embrace that and get on with things.”
Kyrone squeezed him tight. “It is brave,” he insisted. “I’m not sure I could be if I were in your shoes.”
Jared propped himself up on his elbow. “Yes, you would.” He kissed Kyrone tenderly.
“Do you still see the neurologist?”
Jared nodded. “Not the same one. I transferred my care up here, but this is what I mean when I tell you I’m not okay, Ky. I don’t just see a neurologist. I have to have tests, brain scans and such. I need to see a dietician for the foreseeable future. I had physiotherapy while I was getting back on my feet, but now I have to see a personal trainer at a gym several times a week to try and build up my muscle mass. And I have to go to a pain clinic.”
“About your migraines?”
“Yes. I getlotsof headaches, but I can function through all but the worst.” He flopped down onto Kyrone’s chest again. “Still not freaking out?”
“No. I have lots of questions, but I’m not freaking out.”
“Ask away. I’ll answer everything I can.”
“I don’t want to make you feel like you’re being interrogated.”
Jared laughed. “I won’t, I promise.” He pushed himself up again so he could trail his hand down Kyrone’s cheek and jaw. “If you’ve got questions, you shouldn’t be afraid to ask them.”
Kyrone grabbed his hips and pulled him so he was lying fully on top of the bigger man. “I see what you did there, using my words against me, cheeky one.”
“You like it when I’m cheeky,” Jared retorted.
Kyrone kneaded his arse cheeks with his hands. “Yes, I do.” He stopped the arousing movement of his hands, just before Jared developed a full hard-on.
It was probably for the best, but Jared wouldn’t have said no to the distraction.
“Seriously,” he said. “Ask me anything.” He patted the scrapbook, which had ended up on the bed beside them when they’d lain down. “Look in here if you want.”
“What’s in there?” Kyrone asked. “Apart from the seagull and the cards?”
“Things to spark my memories,” Jared said wistfully. “Or that was the idea anyway. My parents started it at my neurologist’s suggestion. They’d sit for hours showing me photos and telling me the stories that were attached to them.” He let out a long sigh. “It was exhausting listening to them and really,reallyfrustrating.”
“Because you wanted to remember?”
“Yes. But it was more than that. It was like being in a room with a group of strangers, telling stories about people I didn’t know. They’d be laughing or crying, and I couldn’t engage with what they were saying at all.” He shuffled off Kyrone, back onto the bed, pulling the scrapbook onto his boyfriend’s chest in the same movement. “I found a few things in my belongings from university. They’d been packed up for me and sent to my parents’ house. That’s where I found the seagull with my name on it.” He flicked the scrapbook to the back and picked up the piece of paper with the note he’d written himself. “I also found this with my university things.” He held it up so Kyrone could read the writing.
“J Leeds?” Kyrone asked. “What does it mean?”
Jared shrugged. “I don’t know. I wrote it. What I don’t know is why.”
“And that’s why you came here?” Kyrone asked.
“It sounds crazy, doesn’t it?”
“A little,” Kyrone conceded.
“I needed to get away from my parents’ house for a while to get some perspective on the future,” Jared explained. “Following this note was as good a plan as any. I hoped that if I came here and managed to discover what the note meant, my memories might start to return.” He let out a small laugh. “It’s silly. One scrap of paper won’t be the miracle that brings everything back to me.”
“It sounds like you were holding on to hope,” Kyrone said. He brushed Jared’s hair behind his ear. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
