He frowned and deleted the last two phrases. It sounded so blunt and cruel, even if it was the truth.
Maybe, one day in the future, I’ll feel able to see you both again.
Nothing he typed felt right, which he decided was because he was trying to sugar-coat things. Why shouldn’t he just tell them that they’d damn near ruined his life? That they’d broken him, and it was going to take a long time for him to pick up the pieces and put himself back together? Didn’t they deserve the cold, hard truth, and more? He read back over the two tiny sentences he’d kept.
I want you to know I’m safe and happy. I love you both.Taking a deep breath, he carried on.I need you to leave me alone and stop looking for me. I need you to let me live my life the way I want to, loving whomever I want to. I need you to let me be happy.
Tears stung his eyes. Saying goodbye, even in writing, was fucking hard.
He barely noticed the class ending or Michael locking the door after the last person had left. But he did notice Michael wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” Michael asked.
“Yeah,” Jag said. “Just—” He gestured at the laptop screen, showing Michael his pitiful few sentences. “And I’ve been doing some research.” He flicked to the tab with the college courses he’d been looking at.
“Oh?”
“I got my GCSEs, barely, but never got the chance to take my A Levels.” Or go to university or any of the other things he’d thought he would do when he was fifteen, before his life had been turned upside down. “But there are access courses I can do so I can still get into higher education without A Levels. If I want to.” Not that he was sure what he wanted to do. “I’m happy working here,” he said quickly. “It’s just…I don’t know…I feel as if I should get some qualifications to give myself options in the future.”
“That makes sense,” Michael said. “You don’t have to dance here if you don’t want to. You could work as a bartender or—” He fell silent as Jag turned on the barstool, dislodging his chin.
Jag rested his arms over Michael’s shoulders and clasped his hands across Michael’s back. “I love dancing here. Dancing is what helped me build my confidence back up. But I won’t be able to dance on stage forever, and I think studying will give me something to focus on. If I’m doing something positive, it’ll help me to repair the damage the ‘therapy’ did. Does that make sense?”
“Perfect sense,” Michael replied. He kissed him softly, his lips lingering on Jag’s, his coffee-scented breath warm. “It’s nice hearing you talk about things that are going to take months. It makes it feel as if you’re really sticking around.”
Jag smiled. “And there was me thinking you were starting to get bored of me.”
Michael ran his hands over Jag’s thighs. “Never. These courses you’re looking at…are they free?”
“No, but I’ve done some maths, and I can pay in instalments. I should be able to afford rent on the bedsit and pay for a course.”
Michael pursed his lips and stared into Jag’s eyes for several seconds. “Would it help if you moved in with me?”
Jag’s chest clenched tightly.
“I know my flat doesn’t have any kind of view, especially not one as nice as the bedsit, but it would save you a lot of money.” He leant down and kissed Jag’s neck. “And I’d get to wake up next to you every morning.”
He kept kissing, coaxing Jag to tip his head back slightly. Warmth rushed through Jag’s body whilst his thoughts battled with each other. Waking up next to Michael every day sounded wonderful, and he both loved and trusted Michael. After all, he’d broken every other rule for the man.
“Rule number three,” he whispered. “No freebies.” He wasn’t sure he could break it for anyone, not even Michael.
Michael lifted his head. “We can split the bills.”
“And the rent?”
Michael sighed. “I have a mortgage to pay, but I’ve been covering it alone since…” His voice trailed off, and he looked away.
Jag knew what he meant. He’d been paying it alone since Edward died. Jag pulled Michael into a tight embrace, holding him for a few seconds whilst his lover breathed in and out deeply, his chest shuddering.
When Michael pulled away, his eyes were shining. “If you help with the bills, that will be enough. You’ll have courses to pay for.” He brushed his thumb over Jag’s cheek. “You’d be paying half the bills,” he reiterated. “And living with your partner. That’s not accepting a freebie. But if you’re not ready to take that step, it’s fine. No pressure.”
“Let me think about it, okay?”
Michael nodded, smiling slightly. “Take as long as you need.” He nodded towards the laptop screen. “Do you need some help with your email?”
Jag snorted. “I need to stop overthinking it.” He switched back to it, staring again at what he’d written. “I can’t find the words. I keep deleting and rewriting them. I’m not sure I know what to say.”
“Maybe you’ve already said enough?”
