He was also tired of keeping everything inside, of having no one he could trust and confide in. The emotional damage he carried around with him was exhausting. It haunted every aspect of his life, keeping him closed off to the world. His rules, designed to protect him, felt like a fucking straight jacket that made him miserable at every turn.
He twisted onto his back again. They werehisrules, and he could choose to break them if he wanted to. As long as he was prepared to accept the consequences. Was a brief, meaningful fling with Michael worth breaking any of his rules for? More than he already had done anyway.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, inhaling and exhaling slowly in an attempt to still his racing thoughts. He couldn’t pluck an answer out of his head whilst he was feeling so overwhelmed and confused. He was grateful that Michael had spoken to himbeforethey’d been physical. If they’d talked whilst they were caught up in post-orgasm euphoria, he might have agreed to give things a go then and there.Does that mean it’s what I want?Part of himdidwant it, ached for it. His desperate need to have someone who made him feel wanted and to whom he could turn shouldn’t have been such a big deal, but it was.
To be fair, he didn’t even know if he could trust Michael. He thought he might be able to, given time. From everything he’d seen and been told, Michael was a genuinely good guy. He couldn’t picture him as the type of man who would betray him, but then, money talked, didn’t it? He hadn’t thought Ian would betray him, but he’d been wrong then, and he could be wrong this time, too. He couldn’t push the fear aside that his father would turn up with his cheque book and buy Michael’s loyalty. Wouldn’t an injection of cash really help Michael with the club?
He laughed bitterly. He could easily sabotage his feelings towards Michael by continuing down that train of thought, but he didn’t want to. No Archangel should be able to betray someone like that. It might only have been a stage name, but it suited Michael from the way he looked to the way he behaved. He’d probably defend and protect Jag if he asked him to. If. If. If.
If he could push past his fear.
If he could break his rules.
If he could trust himself to still walk away.
He flopped his arm up above his head. It wasn’t just his decision to make. There were two of them, and they both had to be in agreement to carry things on. To be fair, Michael seemed to have made up his mind. He’d been very adamant that he wanted to see how things might develop between them despite knowing Jag would leave.Would he still want me if he knew everything?Jag shuddered, not sure if he would ever be prepared to find out.Is it fair to keep it all from him? Did his past even matter? Michael claimed he knew who Jag wasnowand that was the person he was falling for. Maybe nothing else mattered. Not his past nor his fractured psyche. But could anyone really, truly, want someone so broken? Yet Michael had seen him break down for no explicable reason, and it hadn’t scared him off.
Jag closed his eyes.
He might really want me.
He might really care.
Forme. Aboutme.
Tears seeped out from beneath his eyelids, slipping down the curve of his cheekbones. He had been alone for so long. Even before he’d run away, he’d been alone. He couldn’t do it anymore, not when he had the option of being with someone for a few precious weeks, before he had to leave. And he would leave.Thatwas a rule he couldn’t break.
* * *
Jag arrived at the club earlier than normal. Although he thought he’d made up his mind, indecision still gnawed away at him. His chest felt tight, and it was hard to breathe. He didn’t feel worthy of Michael, but at least he knew why. The ‘therapy’ had eaten away at his sense of worth, making him doubt everything he had ever been and was. He’d hoped to rebuild himself once he was away from it and his family because he had been happy and self-assured once, but the only time he felt true confidence was when he was dancing. He knew he was good at it and that his performances delighted the people who watched him. But constantly running and looking over his shoulder hadn’t given him the time he needed to sort his head out.
He found Michael in his office. He was sitting behind the desk, doing some kind of paperwork. Jag knocked timidly, crossing his arms to practically hug himself as Michael looked up.
“Jag.” Michael’s voice was soft but tentative. “You look—”
“Tired?”
Michael nodded.
“I haven’t slept.” He hadn’t said it to gain sympathy but to illustrate to Michael how hard his decision had been to reach.
Michael’s eyebrows pinched in concern. “Do you want to take the night off?”
“No.” Jag stepped into the room and shut the door. “Can we talk?”
“Of course.” Michael’s brow furrowed more deeply, worry radiating off him. He moved from behind the desk and leant against it, as he had done the previous night. But this time, he didn’t extend his hand to Jag or ask him to come over.
“Do you really want to continue spending time with me, even though you know I’ll leave?” Jag dipped his chin. “On a more emotional level, I mean. Not just for sex.”
“Yes.” Michael’s reply came immediately, his voice strong and steady.
Jag swallowed and hugged himself tighter. “You won’t be able to convince me to stay.” He dared to look up and meet Michael’s compassionate stare. “I need to be really clear about that.”
Michael’s cheek muscles flexed. He probably wanted to ask why, but Jag was thankful he held back.
“I’ve been through a lot of shit,” he said, carefully weighing each word before speaking. He needed to give Michaelsomethingbut couldn’t come close to giving himeverything. “And that’s left me pretty fucked up. You can’t fix me, so if that’s what this is about—” He stopped and bit his lip as Michael pushed away from the desk and approached him.
“It’s not.” Michael grasped Jag’s shoulders. “I want to be with you. I know you don’t need saving or protecting. I know you’re capable of doing both those things yourself. I want to be with you because I care about you.”
