My eyes burned, but I refused to give in.I wasn’t about to cry like the little girl he called me, not about to go back out to my men with swollen eyes that I would have to explain.In fact, I had a feeling they might go have a word with Kaiden after that, as though they needed to find out exactly what had made me cry.
“Now that we’re past that, I want details.”He sat back as though this was the most normal conversation in the world to have.“Come on, I want all the specifics.Guides don’t live in a house with a squad of S-Rank espers without there being some filthy, wonderful details.”
I made a point of rolling my eyes, which helped clear away the remaining tears.“You know me, Kaidan, there are no dirty details to share.”
“Are you serious?”Pure shock ricocheted over his features.“You’ve been there for over six weeks, and you’re telling menothinghas happened?I find that pretty much impossible to believe.”
“Yeah, well, believe it or not, that’s the truth.Just because we’re living together doesn’t mean I’m gonna let them do whatever they want.”
“What about whateveryouwant?”Whatever expression was on my face had Kaiden laughing.“Is itthatimpossible for you to think that you might be interested?Come on, Yun, you’re not dead.”
Not dead, no, but I wondered if a part of me hadn’t died.My mind traveled backward in a way it hadn’t since just after it had happened.
As the years had passed, I didn’t get drawn into memories as quickly, as time and space distanced me from that horror.That it would so quickly wrap around me again made me wonder the change.
Stress?
The nightmares?
The upcoming time at The Pitt?
The men?
“Yun.”The sharp name drew me back before I fell headlong into the memories, dragging me back to safety.
I blinked slowly, staring at Kaiden, his familiar light blue eyes grounding me.I shuddered as the energy slipped from me, the fear, the anxiety.I swallowed, the action so thick it hurt, but it helped clear my head.
He tilted his head.“You’re still doing that badly?”
“No, not usually.”
“You haven’t been like this for a long time.You were doing better.”
I pulled my leg up, resting my heel on the edge of the couch and wrapping my arms around that knee.“I’ve been having nightmares again.”
He pressed his lips together.“Those had gone away, hadn’t they?”
“They’re different, now.Before it was a memory of what happened.Now?Now it’s likehe’stalking to me, taunting me.”
“How often?”
“Almost every night.Sometimes it’s not as bad, sometimes it’s worse, but almost every night I see him.It’s like I’m back there, in that dark forest, and he’s laughing at me, telling me we’re connected, that we’re inevitable.”I held myself tighter, my voice thin and strained as I spoke.
“Do you know why that’s happening?I mean, there are plenty of reasons I can think of, but do you think there’s a specific reason?Is it the squad?”
“I don’t think so.It started before I met them, before I even knew that I was going to have to work The Pitt.”
“But you knew it was opening again.Maybe it’s as simple as that.You knew it was going to open—that’s almost an anniversary.Perhaps your brain is acting out because of that.”
I mulled that over, and it was possible, but something about it felt strange.“What if he’s right?”
“What?”
I pushed myself to keep talking even though the words hurt.“What if wearebound?Interaction between guide and esper can create a bond—what if I did that?”
“That’s not possible.”
“How can you be sure?How can you know that?No one knows what happens between a guide and a corrupted because it’s never happened.Maybe he really is talking to me, maybe I can’t escape him, maybe I never really got away at all.”The words poured from me, allowing the panic to grow until it consumed me.
