“Yes.It’s just never a welcome experience dealing with certain minds.They feel like rooting around in refuse, like digging my hands through maggots.”I shuddered, trying to rid myself of the memory.
“But you saved the kid.”
“I did a job—nothing more.”
She frowned, as though she wasn’t sure why I would make a distinction.“Because of you, they’re going to help the kid.That’s good.”
I turned my head to look at her, hating having to burst her bubble but driven to do so.“They paid me to do a job—that’s it.What happens next, that’s up to the police.”I paused, then added on, “Besides, I didn’t save anyone.Even if that kid gets rescued, even if they get him out of that basement, he isn’t saved.He still will have the memories of what happened in his head forever.”
She shifted in her chair, my words seeming to trouble her.Or perhaps it was trouble with understanding how she felt about it.Finally, she spoke softly.“That kid wouldn’t agree.Even if there are scars left, getting out of that situation is still worth it.”
The way she spoke drew me short.I’d already known she had something in her past, but the truth of those words, the conviction, showed just how much she understood.
“Tell me,” I said, a command in my voice.
“Tell you what?”
“Whatever it is that you went through.”
Thatshut down any chance I had.It had been stupid, and the moment I’d uttered the words, I’d wondered what the hell I was doing, what I was thinking.
I knew better than to push a person who wasn’t ready to be pushed.I’d seen her mental state, should have known that it wouldn’t matter what I wanted to know.Applying pressure would only cause her to retreat, for her to pull back and refuse to answer anything.
Yet I’d done it because in that moment, I couldn’tnotdo it.Perhaps it was from seeing the boy, from the way my brain still rejected the touch of that other twisted mind, but the idea of Yun in such a situation drove rational thought right out of my mind.
Worse, it made me want to crawl into hers, to see how it felt to curl up there, if it would be as calming as I suspected, as welcoming.
Well, not welcoming right now.
“I have nothing to say,” she snapped.“And don’t even think about trying to force your way into my mind.I’ll know.”
She would, of course.As an S-Rank guide, she’d be able to feel it, unlike most.That wasn’t the biggest reason I resisted, though.Instead, it was because some part of me I hardly recognized didn’t want to do so.I wanted her to welcome me in, to ask me for it, to have her trust.Doing it without that wouldn’t give me what I really wanted, so I didn’t give into the desire.
“You’ll tell me eventually,” I said, more hopeful than certain.
“Don’t hold your breath.”
But I couldn’t let go of the idea, of the fear, of the curiosity of what could have fractured the little guide’s mind so much.
Nor could I ignore the desire to watch someone burn for it.
Chapter Fourteen
Yun
I ended up driving back to the house with just Shear as the others had already left when we’d gotten back to the waiting room.Shear had claimed they’d had an errand to run and would meet us back at the house.
The nice thing about Shear was that he didn’t talk much.He didn’t force conversation, which let me sit there in silence on the ride.We had taken a rideshare since it seemed whatever errand the others had gone on had required use of the car, leaving us stranded there.
It was afternoon by the time we got back, and given my lack of good sleep, I figured something to eat would help wake me up at least.
I stood at the stove, water in the pot boiling, steam escaping the top and sucked into the fan hanging above.
Guilt pricked at me as I recalled the way Shear had sat in the chair, the move so sudden it had taken me by surprise.It was like his energy had run out, more of a collapse than anything I’d seen from him.Worse was paleness of his skin, the way the color had drained from his face.I didn’t know what he’d seen, but the loud gulp he’d made, the way he’d reacted, all suggested it hadn’t been good.
I couldn’t stop myself from adding two servings of pasta to the boiling water, ignoring my actions as I did it.It was just because he’d looked tired—that was it.Nothing more than that, nothing deeper.In another pot, I heated up marinara sauce, then mixed the sauce with the drained noodles and served it into two bowls.
I hadn’t eaten, and I hadn’t seen him eat.He had to be hungry as well.
