The last two years had been a progression of me slowly falling in love with him without even realizing it was happening. I came up with every excuse, stacking them on top of each other one by one to create this wall and not allow myself to see or feel it.
It was just a release.
It was because of our agreement.
It was because of us holding this secret.
We didn’t even like each other.
It wasWes.
That wallcrumbledthe moment I allowed myself to acknowledge that I missed him andwhy. I was accosted by all of the feelings I’d disregarded all at once. It was an overwhelming onslaught of realization.
I thought about reaching out once I finally grasped the depth of what I felt for him because I wanted to tell him. I pulled up our message thread and typed out a greeting twenty different ways, but I never sent one. We hadn’t spoken in two months. And this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have via text message, no matter how appealing it sounded—I’d never been good with feelings of any kind and was someone who could articulate myself and what I was thinking better with written words. I didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone at all, though. If I was going to do this, itneededto be face-to-face…even if I wasterrified.
My plan was to reach out once I got home to meet up, but now that Callie mentioned Saturday night, I supposed I could talk to him then. No, I didn’t verify that he would be there when she said “everyone,” but he was always there on Saturday nights.
I spent my Friday going through the building one more time with Brian, had my meeting with Grace, and then met up with Naomi and Marcelo that night.
When Saturday rolled around, I was more on edge than I ever remember being before. I was anxious to get home, but at the same time, I suddenly wanted to throw up at the idea.
On the flight from Miami to Charleston, I managed to talk myself out and back into having this conversation with Wes no less than three times. I did it again, at least twice, on the ferry ride back to Halloran.
By the time I made it back to my apartment, I needed to lie down.
I stepped into my room with my suitcases and shoved them to the side before walking to my bed and flopping down with a soft moan. I missed my bed. I reached for one of my pillows andcurled my arm around it, tucking it close as I closed my eyes. When I took in a deep breath, I felt a flutter in my chest when the faint lingering scent of smoky amber and citrus that clung to my pillowcase tickled my senses.
Wes.
I nuzzled my face more into the pillow, feeling my nerves spike again.
I didn’t know what Wes felt, if anything at all. When I thought back to all of the moments between us, to the moments when things felt like they began to shift, they felt differentbecauseof him. He looked at me differently. He kissed me differently. He touched me differently. At least…Ithinkhe did.
Now, I was drowning in all of the what-ifs.
What if I’d just conjured all of that up in my head?
What if I was looking back on things and only seeing what I wanted to see?
What if my confession was met with rejection?
What if he laughed in my face and told me I was crazy to think he would or couldeverfeel the same?
My stomach began to roil.
I needed to keep myself busy, so I didn’t get too lost in my overthinking, so I got up and started to unpack. It didn’t help, but at least I was being somewhat productive, I supposed.
Later, I got in the shower, did my hair and makeup, then agonized over what to wear out that night. I settled on a simple pair of jeans and a black off-the-shoulder sweater—there was every possibility I was heading to the funeral of my dignity, so black felt fitting.
My stomach was still roiling when I left my apartment, and it only got worse the further into town I drove. When I pulled into the Pierson & Callahan parking lot, I didn’t look to see who’scars were there, afraid of psyching myself out even more if I saw a certain black Audi.
I got out of my car and started walking the couple of blocks to The Sandbar, giving myself a pep talk on the way.
It’s fine. This is fine. You can do this.
I was hoping that once I saw Wes, I wouldn’t feel as nervous and that finally seeing him for the first time would somehow put me at ease and give me a little more confidence to have this conversation.
When I walked into The Sandbar, I was met with the usual music and chatter. I glanced around, my eyes instantly looking forhim.
