Physically? I’m ready. Mentally? Not even close. The anxiety that settled in the pit of my stomach after I walked in on Eddie with his mistress has yet to fade. Neither has the shame. Even with the help of my therapist, Dr. Lloyd, I have a long way to go.
During our last session, she made a very good point. She said, “I know you feel ashamed, but I want you to pause for a moment and ask yourself whatyoudid wrong. You trusted someone. You let him into your life and your home. That isn’t weakness or foolishness. The shame doesn’t belong to you, only to the person who broke your heart.”
Even so, I can’t shake the shame that comes with the realization that I didn’t notice the signs. And I can’t stop asking myself questions like “What if I were different?” or “What if I had more free time?”
“Yana?” Chloe’s soft voice pulls me back to reality.
I refocus on her and take a deep breath. “Sorry. I don’t want to ruin your night. Lately, it feels like that’s all I do.”
“Stop it.” She tugs on my arm. “I love you, girl. I’m here for you, no matter what. And”—she waggles her brows—“you couldn’t ruin my night…unless you refused to introduce me to your hockey friend.”
I shake my head. “You’re impossible. Roman is married, with a daughter.”
With a wicked smile, she points at me. “I know, but I also know he has a bunch of lonely, single teammates.”
A burst of laughter escapes me. “Babe, we’re talking about hockey players.NHL-level players. These guys are never lonely, trust me.”
“Stop being a spoilsport.” She pouts, her bottom lip stuck out. “Sue me for wanting something fun. Or maybe something serious. You never know what surprises life has in store for you.”
I let out a little huff. “With my luck? I’m fucking terrified of life’s surprises.”
“Shush. Let’s go inside.” She shivers. “It’s getting colder.”
The second we step through the heavy glass doors, the warmth of the restaurant washes away the December chill. The air smells like steak and garlic and butter, rich and mouthwatering, mixed with the faint sweetness of wine. Laughter and the sound of clinking glasses bounce off dark wood panels and leather booths. Low-hanging lights glow golden over polished tables. The atmosphere is pleasant and intimate.
I can see why this place is popular.
A young woman with a sleek high ponytail and a black dress greets us at the hostess stand, checking the reservation once Chloe gives her the details. With a nod and a practiced smile, she shows us to our table.
“Oh my God.” My friend tugs on the sleeve of my coat as we follow the hostess. “They’re here.”
She’s right. Though the place is packed with couples and even several families, with servers in black weaving through the crowd carrying trays of cocktails and delicious-looking dishes, the California Thunders make their presence known. Loud chatter and cheers spread through the room like waves crashing onto the shore.
“Do you see your friend?” Chloe asks.
“Not yet.” I catch my bottom lip between my teeth as I discreetly survey the men. “And I’m not sure I will. Roma?1 is a family guy.”
“Fingers crossed he is.” She bumps her hip into mine. “But if not, at least we’re in for a good meal.”
I chuckle. “Love the enthusiasm.”
Our table is near the hockey team’s, and their laughter is loud. I scrunch my nose. I don’t love when people act as if they’re alone in a public space.
When the server approaches, I order the filet mignon with baked potatoes and a sparkling water with lemon and mint. Chloe orders a rib eye with creamed spinach and a Cosmo.
“How was your business trip?” I ask, leaning back into my chair.
“It was good. Singapore is beautiful. Lively. And the people there are nice, but I was so busy that I barely had time to go out and explore.”
“You were there for a month, and you didn’t have time to explore?”
She sighs dramatically. “Not at all.”
“Aww, poor thing. Maybe next time you’re there, you’ll have more time?—”
“Don’t jinx me,” she hisses. “Next time, they better send Silvia instead. I missed my bed, and especially Billy. I’ve been sobusy since I got back that I haven’t even had time to pick up my dog. I miss him terribly.”
I chuckle. Her toy poodle is the cutest. “I bet he’s having the time of his life at your mom’s.”
