Lorelie’s eyes narrow.
“So, we’re even,” she says, slowly.
I backpedal automatically. “Lore, that’s not what I-”
“No, go ahead,” she cuts in, stepping around the table just enough to look me fully in the face. “Own your words.” Her voice trembles, not with tears,with fury.“You think because I did somethingyoutold me was fine, a lifetime ago, that you get what? A hall pass? A chance to go out and screw the first woman that offers.”
“That’s not-”
She laughs. A broken sound. “God, you actually think that.”
“I don’t!” I say quickly, loudly. “That’s not what I meant-”
“But you said it.” A single tear slides down her cheek. She doesn’t bother wiping it. “You said it, Patrick. You said you getting drunk and screwing another woman was my fault.”
My mouth opens. Nothing comes out. Nothingcancome out.
She inhales slowly, like every breath hurts. Her whole body shakes from the effort of holding herself together.
I panic a little, trying to make herseeme.
“I didn’t screw her, alright?” I say, voice cracking. “She kissed me, but I stopped her.”
“You didn’t stop her because you love me,” she says quietly. “You stopped it because you’d hurt me enough.”
“No,” I whisper. “No… Lore, I-”
But she’s looking at me with an expression I’ve never seen on her face. Not in the six years we’ve been married. Not in all the years before that.
She looks broken. Like her entire world just shattered with one sentence. And I did it. I did that.
I try to defend myself again, but she shakes her head once. Then she turns and walks away.
Her footsteps echo on the stairs. Each one sounds sends shards of pain through my gut. By the time the bedroom door closes upstairs, something in me snaps.
My knees give out.
I sink into the chair and bury my face in my hands as the first sob tears out of me, loud and uncontrollable. I haven’t cried in years. Three times in my life, maybe.
When my son was born. When my grandmother died. And now.
Now, because I destroyed the one thing I never thought I could lose.
I don’t know how long I sit like that, head in my hands, breath shaking, regretting yesterday like my life depends on it, heck I regret today too. Why the fuck did I have to open my mouth?
I drag my palms down my cheeks and force myself upright, elbows braced on my knees as I stare at the floor. I try to breathe evenly. I try to think clearly. But every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Lore’s face.
The way she looked at me. Like she didn’t recognize the man standing in front of her.
I rub both hands over my face. I need to go to her. I need to fix this. I need to dosomethingother than sit here in the kitchen like a coward.
I stand. Then chicken out and sit back down.
I need to do this… but shouldn’t I give her time?
What’s the right move here, strike while the iron’s hot, or let it cool so it doesn’t burn?
I don’t know. God, I don’t know.
