“Still hanging. Let me catch up with you later. Got a girl to talk to about a drink.” He barely lets me nod before he’s ushering Ruby away.
I didn’t miss the expression that she was giving me the whole time. Sure, it was a glare, but her eyes were on me and not him.
I take a second to watch them go and then make a beeline for the clubhouse. I stop only once to ask where Casper is, and when I’m told he’s in his office, I let myself in despite the door being closed.
“We need to tell her,” I bark at Casper. He’s sitting with his head in the books, Domino across from him. I sit because I’m in pain, but I won’t tell them that.
Casper throws the paperwork down, and I see the tiredness in his eyes. He went from cleanup duty to running the mother chapter overnight. Not an easy task, but one he took on willingly, so my pity for him is nonexistent.
“Tell her what? That we lied to her? That her dad isn’t dead, but we need him to look that way? That he’s in a coma, and we don’t know when he’s coming out of it? That we’re hiding him from damn near everyone because we can’t have our enemies coming after us thinking we’re weak, or worse, using his condition to truly end him?”
“If it’s the truth,” I say with a tight jaw. I want to say so much more, but I keep it together. Barely.
Casper shakes his head. He probably thinks I’m naïve, but I know what I’m doing. He looks at Domino, who just shakes his head. Whatever. They can think what they want about me. I don’t like hiding this from her. It doesn’t feel right. Never has, even if I agreed to it to begin with.
“The truth? We don’t have time to deal with this shit. We’ve got enemies, and we can’t be weak. Telling Ruby is a liability.”
“She can keep her mouth shut,” I spit back.
“Can she? She’s a wild card. Law didn’t even know half of the things she was up to. She’s unpredictable, unstable. You willing to bet your life on her keeping her trap shut? You willing to bet your brothers’ lives? Their wives’? The kids’?”
I cross my arms and look away from them. I can’t let them see what I’m feeling. Not sure if I’m able to lock down my emotions right now with all the other pain going on in my system. “Still ain’t right.”
“Maybe so, but unless you want to go against me and take the president’s badge, it is what it is. So get on board with it and do it quick. I’ve got other shit to deal with, and you throwing a hissy fit about having issues with keeping a secret ain’t even in the top ten of shitty things I need to deal with today.”
Idowant to challenge him for the badge. I want to do it so I can run this like it should be done. Like telling Ruby the truth. But I’m not strong enough. Not for the club, not for her.
Without saying anything, I leave, slamming the door shut as I go to make one last statement. I’m so close to getting my ass kicked for insubordination right now, but I can’t help it. My mind is all over the place. Since Law was shot, I’ve barely had time to think things through. I went from scrubbing his blood off my hands to feeling Ruby in my arms to rushing off to Russia and getting fucked up. All to come back here and see I lost my possible promotion and watch another mafia prick hang on something I shouldn’t want.
I make it to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me. Slowly, I sit on my bed and take the two pills that General said to take with water. I do so with the whiskey on the nightstand. There’s water in it, sort of.
I don’t bother undressing; it would take too much effort. Instead, I just lean back and close my eyes, willing sleep to come. Once I have the rest, I plan to do some thinking. Planning out what the next steps are and what I need to do.
But all I see when I close my eyes is Ruby.
Chapter 18—Ruby
One minute, I’m sitting down at the table with a burger on my plate next to Abigail, and the next, I see Penny pulling General’s niece, Emily, away. I would get up and help, but Emily is a pain in the ass. I know she’s young and just in it for the teenage lifestyle of clothes and cute boys, but damn if it ain’t annoying. I swear I was never like that. How could I be? When I was a teenager, my mom was going through chemo. Boys and fashion ceased to exist at that moment. Not that I really gave a fuck before that, or after. I dress how I like, and I don’t give a shit what others say.
As for boys? I’m still looking for one who turns my head. Not that I’m actually looking. Been busy with school after Mom’s death, first trying to catch up on what I missed in high school so I could graduate, then focusing on college. And I did that. The next goal was to get the doctorate. And… well… Dad died.
The drive I had was a part of him. It’s kind of hard to find that focus again. It’s only been a few weeks, and Abigail says I’m still in shock. Nat says I’ll get back to school if it’s something I really want. No one is pushing me into one thing or another. I like that, but also hate it. I need a drive, a goal. I feel like I’m in the middle of the sea. On one side is a small island. It can give me cover, but who knows for how long? But just on the other side, and a bit of a swim away, is a boat. It’ll take some effort to get to it, and it might not work out in the long run, but it’s an option to keep moving. College is theboat, and taking a break is the island. Both give me a rest from what I’m doing now—treading water and barely keeping my head above it.
“Get Billy.” Penny’s words jar me out of my head.
Who the fuck is Billy?
I know I’ve been out of it. I put up a front that I think I fool most with. Some see through it; others don’t. No one calls me out on it. But even still, we don’t have a Billy in the club. I get that we have a few brothers visiting from sister chapters, but not one introduced themselves as Billy. And trust me, I’ve gotten a ton of introductions over the last few days. Everyone wants to express their condolences, which I appreciate, but I also just want them to fuck off and let me grieve. Or ignore everything. Both work, but I got neither.
Abigail jumps up and starts running to the back of the property. Whatever. Not my problem. Maybe another day I would care, but there’s too much going on in my life to think beyond my own issues right now.
The burger is meh at best. Not like how Dad used to cook them. I keep eating, though. I might not know my direction, but one thing I refuse to do is just lie down and not get back up. So I eat. Sleep. Drink water. Do what I need to do to keep my body functioning. It’s my heart and head that stopped working. Everything else is fine.
And I can react like everyone else the second we hear a gun go off. Half the tables clear as we duck down. A second passes, and then brothers run for the front as an engine fires up.
“Get inside,” someone yells and ushers me and the other women and kids through the back.
I look around and just see scared people, but what can happen to me now? Someone else dies? We all burn and go up like smoke and ash? Honestly, it might make me feel something other than this numbness.
