“Diana seems cool with everything,” Hanna said, and Lily detected a small amount of longing in her tone.
“Yeah, she’s cool but also borderline disinterested. Like she’s always given me space to do my own thing, but sometimes I wish–well, I wish she hadn’t given me so much space, you know?”
“Please, trust me, you wanted the space,” Hanna began. “My parents kinda hovered for a long time.”
“They love you, and this is a pretty white town. Your family was different, and they wanted to protect you,” Lily said and added, “I was loudly different too, but my mom never stood in to shield me from anything.”
After a beat of silence, Hanna said, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful.”
“No need to be sorry,” Lily said.
“It sounds like they just want you to be okay,” Maya said.
“Yeah, but my entire life I wanted to give them that so badly that I feel like I have been walking on eggshells. I think we all are. It’s like a McAvoy requirement.” She laughed sarcastically.
“Look Banana, you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. We can just talk to our parents separately.”
“Mmm,” Hanna replied. “I need to. I don’t want to be this paranoid mess. I really wish we could have gone to each others’ graduations and what not…I’m sorry for making us not anusoutside of us.”
There was another beat of silence before Maya started laughing and Lily followed her.
“What?” Maya said, throwing her head back and laughing harder.
“You may have gotten lost in the sauce with that last bit, babe,” Lily said, but rubbed her cheek on Hanna’s forehead to reassure her that she knew what she’d meant. Hanna had been very guarded about either of them coming to her graduation, or each others’, for fear that someone’s parent would put things together and tell the others.
Hanna leaned into Lily’s touch. “Yeah,” she said, “I just meant that I want this next chapter in life to not be so restrained, or something like that.”
“Or something like that.” Maya put her arms around Lily and Hanna, taking a second to drop a quick kiss on the top of Hanna’s head.
“Don’t worry Banana, whatever you decide, we got you.” Lily didn’t worry about making false promises, not as she let herself sink into the warmth of her girls.
33
HANNA
“Ispoke to Reverend Michaels this morning at the farmer’s market, and he said he knows a minister of a good congregation in Providence you should check out. The church is young and hip,” Hanna’s mother said and poured milk into her coffee.
They were sitting at the breakfast table. Her father was diligently eating his cornflakes in silence, as he always did. His brown hair had greyed in places and thinned considerably. Even though it had only been a month since graduation, she couldn’t help but continue to notice the way her parents seemed to have aged since she last saw them over the winter holidays. That was the thing no one told you: while you are growing up and getting older, everyone around you is, too. She had been shocked to see the silver strands in her mother’s brown hair. Her fringe bangs were peppered with grey and white, and there was a layer of what Hanna could only describe as “age” on her pale skin.
“Thanks Mom, we shall see if church is for me when I get there.”
“Well, there’s a band and everything, and they make their own music too, very rock and roll,” her mother pushed, asHanna knew she would. “It might be good for you to meet some new people your age, especially since you won’t really know anyone—” she paused, then added, “besides your roommates. Have you figured out who they are going to be yet?”
Hanna hadn’t told her parents anything, only that she’d gotten a job in Providence and would be taking a gap year before deciding if she wanted to fully go into medical school or do research. She had the grades for Brown’s medical school too, should she decide that’s where she wanted to apply. In the meantime, she would be working at Planned Parenthood’s Southern New England office as a research and policy clinician. This had also been a bit of a test, revealing where she was working to her parents. Her dad hadn’t really said much, which was expected, and she could tell that while her mother perhaps didn’tlovethe idea, she had latched onto the thought of Hanna continuing on to medical school.
“I have some ideas, talking with some people to see if we click…” Hanna hated lying, but she told herself it wouldn’t be for that much longer. The summer would end, and her momwouldfind out.
“Okay well, let us know, we want you to be safe. We know you’re an adult now, but you’re still our baby,” her mom cooed a bit on the last word.
“Of course, I have explicitly explained that I am NOT okay with living with a serial killer or killers,” Hanna said, and her mom scoffed and waved Hanna away playfully with one hand.
In another universe, Hanna was blurting out, “Just kidding! I am moving in with mytwogirlfriends, because surprise, I’m bi and apparently like my lovers in twos.” But of course she didn’t say that. Instead she went up to her room determined to pack but instead climbed on her bed and escaped into a swoony sapphic romance —these have really turned into my thing.
“Uh fuck,yes, right there, Jesus, don’t stop—” Some of Hanna’s hair was plastered over her forehead and she could feel the rest of it sticking to her neck and back.
“Mmmm I don’t know about Jesus, you better know who you’re in bed with, church girl,” Lily whispered, her fingers expertly moving in Hanna, her thumb rubbing just enough of her clit.
“Lily!”
