Hanna had been a straight ass. She knew that, without Maya freaking out. It had been unexpected, and even though Maya was the one clearly in pain, she had pushed it aside to focus on Hanna, lovingly telling her to “grow the fuck up.”
Sweet Maya.Hanna had started to tell her that nothing was going on, but then knew she owed her more than that.
“I just, I don’t know, I just feel like, maybe this was a mistake and I don’t know why. I feel like this is a game to her. I don’t like being reminded that we might just be one—two of many?” Hanna had finally confessed to Maya. Who thankfully hadn’t pushed her to explain why that was the case for her, but pushed Hanna to either be honest with everyone or to cut the attitude.
Hanna was self-aware enough to know that growing up in a household with two God-fearing Protestant parents who never raised their voices or showed any hint of conflict had made it so she didn’t know how to navigate and express her feelings properly in this situation. She never lashed out, mainly because she never allowed herself to. And yet, when it came to Lily Miller, she hadn't been able to stop herself. It also unnerved herhow freeing it had been to simply expresshowshe was feeling, even if she hadn’t expressedwhy. Still, Maya’s warning to be truthful stuck with her.
“It’s not fair to Lily, me, or you,” Maya had said, looking worn down.
Hanna hated that she’d pushed her to that point. She wanted to be able to change immediately and say something like,Sorry, something about you flares up this insecurity in me and I lash out, but that would require her to be way more emotionally well-adjusted than she was at the moment. That probably required therapy.
But she did know, hopefully, how to gloss over a bad spell.
She sat down on the blanket facing Lily’s back, Maya sitting on another corner.
“I know the view is great, but you’ve already seen it and besides,” she grasped at an attempt to be coy, “the view over here isn’t bad either.” She cringed at her poor attempt at lightness. She heard Lily sigh, but then she lifted her legs and spun around so she was on the blanket too.
“Well?” Hanna said, trying to smooth the unease from her face.
After a long pause Lily said, “It isn’t bad,” and ended with a weak smile.
Despite the recent exchange, a comfortable silence began to spread out between them, like their tension was dissipating. Finally Maya said, “So what were we going to do up here?”
“I don’t know,” Lily said softly.
“Well what do you usually do…” Maya shot her a look that saidcareful,and Hanna changed directions, “…when you’re up here?” Lily looked up at her, her blue eyes so piercing in the surrounding grey and white of winter. In them Hanna thought she saw something she’d never dared imagine: vulnerability.
Hanna held Lily’s gaze for a beat longer, and then Maya said, “So you know, we have spent more timephysicallytogether these last few days than ever before.”
The math in the statement had Hanna blinking away from Lily and turning to Maya. “Can’t you just say that we don’t know each other so well?”
“Yeah or just literally put that any way else,” Lily added, and Hanna warmed to the moment of alignment.
“Yeah, yeah okay, my point is we don’t know each other so well and like, we can’t spend this whole trip fucking.”
“Is that a challenge?” Lily’s voice was even and low; whatever Hanna had seen in her eyes earlier was gone.
“Okay, Ms.’we need to go for a hike,’” Maya retorted.
“Oh my god was that a hike?” Lily asked, finally cracking a smile.
“To be fair, we aren’t even up that high,” Hanna said, continuing to lean into the current alignment with Lily. She hoped if she leaned far enough into it, Lily would see she didn’t want to fight. She wanted to be on the same side.
“Whatever, Vermont ladies,” Maya said, rolling her eyes but smiling. “Why don’t we do something fun together to get to know each other? I wanna play twenty questions.”
“What are we, twelve?” Lily asked.
“It is on brand for us, we did have a sleepover the first time we met,” Hanna added.
“Sure, take her side,” Lily said, but shot her a mischievous smile that let her know they were okay. They were on the same side.
“Oh come on,” Maya said, “I came all the way up here.”
“I should have packed hot chocolate or a bottle of something maybe,” Lily said.
“Here, come here, everyone open their coats.” When Maya gave Hanna a look, Hanna added, “Trust me, my cousins and I used to do this.”
“Uh,” Lily started.
