But, she tried to cheer herself up, while she was going to be alone tonight, she doubted she would be for the rest of break.
And that was just fine. She shut off the kitchen lights and made her way to the main bedroom, feeling confident that by the end of break, the girls would have had their fun, and so would she.
12
HANNA
Hanna woke up on her stomach, face down, head under the pillow. It was glorious. She could feel an ache in the balls of her feet, as if she’d been on them all day, but really it was just how her body experienced fatigue. She yawned and let the space between sleep and waking stretch over her and wrap around her lazy meandering thoughts.
The holidays had been the same as they were every year: dull. She couldn’t even begin to comprehend why she found the dullness so exhausting. But the minute she’d had to jump in her car to get Maya, it was like life sped up again and became more vivid, like a dial had been raised on the colors around her.
She wasn’t sure if she could say the same thing for Maya. While the world seemed to dial up around Hanna, Maya’s energy suggested her world had dialed down. She was always pretty even-keeled, but now Maya seemed dimmed. The warm energy and light that she seemed to exude had faded, and she looked tired—there was no other way Hanna could describe it. Hanna wasn’t surprised when Maya had asked if it was okay for her to sleep for the first hour, then slept for a full two before stirring, not even when Hanna had been so engrossed in her true crimepodcast that she’d almost missed their exit and had to get creative on the road.Safely, of course.Hanna knew Maya had been going through it with her parents’ divorce, mainly because of her mom, and made a mental note to pry a bit while they were together, though Hanna also didn’t want to stress her.
Hanna turned her head to the side in the bed and relished the way her neck cracked. Faint light was filling the room already, so she guessed it was still early. She stretched again. The double bed was a thousand times more comfortable than the bed she had at home, let alone the one in her dorm. Yes, she was a senior, but her parents wanted her to dorm on campus, and so she did. They were footing the bill and she didn’t feel the need to argue, like always. She’d been to Maya’s apartment in Cambridge once and was envious not so much of the posh apartment, but of the independence she had. Based on everything Maya had shared with her about her parents’ divorce, she wondered if her independence was more for her own sanity than anything else. Still, her parents gave it to her.
Hanna’s parents—well, her mother was smothering, and her dad went along with whatever her mother did. Hanna knew it had nothing to do with not trusting her; it was all because they deeply loved her. She knew they’d struggled with conceiving for years; her mom had several miscarriages before they’d found Hanna. They knew just how precious life was when you wanted it. It was a complicated thing for Hanna, who would always ask them, if they’d had biological children would they not be a family, and her dad would just smile sadly and say, “But we didn’t, and so we were brought to you.”
The only reason Hanna’s parents were even allowing her to come up to Lily’s cabin was because 1) They were still technically in Vermont, though it was practically Canada; 2) They knew Lily’s family, having lived in the same town all her life, evenif Hanna suspected her mother didn’t like Diana Blake; and 3) they had no idea what the three of them had been getting up to.
Hanna could barely believe it herself. She had determinedly sought Lily out last fall break, intent on having the bi-awakening she deserved. She had never been ashamed of her bisexuality, but it wasn’t like moving to Boston hadn’t presented her with options. Most of her callers were white boys who always made sure to share that they had their eyes set on studying abroad in Asia sometime soon. The women she had chased all were either coupled up already, or they seemingly spoke a language she did not. Amongst the sapphic crowd, she felt like she was a step behind, always trying to prove herself. Trying to prove she wasn’t some straight girl fulfilling some bi-curiosity. The only women into fulfilling that treated her no differently than the boys who chased after her.
Plus she’d settled on Lily Miller back in high school, her fixation spreading through her to the point that for a while she hadn’t been sure if it was women she wanted or just Lily. Maya had confirmed her desire, though. ShewantedMaya—did she ever want Maya. She hadneededLily. Like a petulant child she wouldn’t have been satisfied until she’d gotten her way. And hot damn had she. Being with MayaandLily had been like a dream.
Lily with her confidence, her blonde hair and bottomless ocean blue eyes. Hanna had worried that her fixation on Lily may have come from a desire tobeher: conventionally attractive, accepted, confident in a way only white women seemed to be able to be. But Maya had arrived, and she was not like Lily, brown skinned with dark, thick, curly hair that Hanna couldn’t understand how she got to smell so good—like lavender and jasmine. She wanted them both. She wanted them so badly that when she finally got back to Boston to start classes, she worried that she’d gotten a taste of something she’d never get again.
And how could she? You didn’t she walk up to hot people and ask for threesomes. Or maybe some people did (probably Lily)but those people were not Hanna. It wasn’t that she was shy so much as she just didn’t connect with most people. It was a hard thing to do when you grew up never feeling truly seen or accepted. That was something she knew she shared with May and was grateful for it. Maya may have been the first true friend she’d made.
She knew her daily striving for perfection, for ‘normalcy’ was self-imposed, something she wore like a shield. But she’d worn it for so long it had become like a security blanket. Maya had no such thing, and Hanna found it exhilarating to be around, to get to touch, like Maya’s existence allowed her to dare to to take it off every now and then. Hanna thought the feeling was akin to the rush folks experienced flashing the crowd at sporting events.
That night back in Lily’s treehouse, she had felt like the three of them fit somehow, that they had been hers. Her people. She had found them for the first time in her life, and she was certain she was going to have to let them go once school began. But that hadn’t happened. They’d started a group chat and regularly kept in touch, talking about silly things in life with some serious things every now and then. They made it seem so easy, as if they’d been lifelong friends the whole time.
Hanna’s body began to buzz with the thought of being so close to the two of them again, physically close. They’d gottencreativeand hooked up a few times over video, once partially in person. It had felt like an unspoken rule that they would limit their time together since Lily wasn’t in Boston with them. But that had been the lasttasteHanna had gotten.
In her post-wake-up haze, she let her mind drift.Just a taste.
It had been one night when Hanna had gotten brave and asked Maya to meet up for a movie. For some reason, it didn’t feel right to ask Maya directly; instead she’d put it in the chat.Even though she knew Lily couldn’t join, she still wanted her to feel included. Hanna had meant at a theater, but when Lily had lamented that she felt left out, Maya had invited Hanna over to her apartment, saying that they would FaceTime Lily and she could watch along on her end. A virtual “Netflix and Chill,” Lily had joked.
Hanna had mentioned to Maya that she’d never seenJennifer’s Body, which Maya felt was a crime, especially coming from a baby bi. So it had been settled. They were about to deal with watching the ridiculous sapphic tension of two hot women.
The kiss between Needy and Jennifer had destroyed Hanna.
“Wait, how have I not seen this movie?” Hanna had said, pausing and instructing Lily to do the same.
“You live under a rock, Banana,” Lily said through her phone, using the unimaginative nickname she had for her, and it had warmed Hanna all over.
“This scene was meant to be used as bait to get guys to see the film, but actually, sapphics everywhere rejoiced,” Maya replied, pulling herself to sit flush beside Hanna on her couch so that they could both be in frame for Lily.
“I def had a raging boner leaving the theater,” Lily had laughed into the screen. She was leaning against her headboard in a white t-shirt, from what Hanna had been able to see. Her blonde hair was in a high pony tail.
“Goddamn I bet, I can’t believe this was out in the world and just, I think I would have—” Hanna began.
“What would you have done, Hanna?” Lily had asked through the phone, her eyes fixed on Hanna. Hanna didn’t think she meant for the stare to be enticing, though you never knew with Lily.
“Well, maybe I would have ended up jumping you sooner,” she said, and Maya had laughed beside her at that.
“Oh yeah? Banana, all horned up off of a movie would have jumped me?” Lily teased.
“Well, I for one am glad I was there for your first times,” Maya had added, lifting her arm around Hanna’s shoulders and resting her hand in Hanna’s loose hair, right across her scalp. The movement expanded the shiver Lily had given her and she closed her eyes at the touch.
