"But my body made the choice my mind couldn't." I sink into one of the chairs against the wall. "The bonds are stronger than I thought. And I hate that. I hate that I don't get to choose."
He sits too, not touching me but close enough that I smell his Beta scent. Still pleasant. Still familiar. But it doesn't make my pulse race anymore.
"Can I tell you something?" he asks.
"Please."
"When I transferred here, I knew it was stupid. Knew you were bonded, knew the pack would hate me, knew it was probably hopeless." He stares at his hands. "But I had to try. Because you're... you're amazing, Vespera. And what we had in Columbus felt real."
"It was real."
"Past tense," he notes.
"The person I was in Columbus isn't the person I am now." The truth of it settles over me. "The bonds changed me. Whether I wanted them to or not."
"So where does that leave us?"
Good question. I think about the audition room, about performing Nina's speech about endurance. About Ben delivering his monologue about inadequate love.
"Friends," I say finally. "Scene partners. People who care about each other but aren't going to work romantically."
"Because of the bonds."
"Because of a lot of things." I meet his eyes. "But mostly because trying to fight them is destroying me. And I think... I think maybe it's time to stop fighting."
The words surprise me even as I say them. But they feel true.
"So you're choosing them." Not accusatory. Sad.
"I'm choosing to stop pretending I have another choice." I reach over, squeeze his hand briefly. "But I need you to stay. As my friend. Because Stephanie and Robbie are great, but you understand what it's like to want something impossible. And you do."
"I do," he agrees quietly.
We sit there for a while, not talking. Processing. Grieving something that never quite got to exist.
Finally, Ben stands. "I should go. I have a shift at the library in twenty minutes."
"Ben—"
"It's okay." He gives me that crooked smile that used to make my heart race. Now it makes me sad. "Really. We're good. We'll figure out the friend thing."
"Will we?"
"We have to." He heads for the door, pauses with his hand on the handle. "Because I'm not going anywhere, Vespera. And neither are they. So we're all going to have to learn how to coexist."
After he leaves, I stay in the practice room, staring at the scuff marks on the floor.
Three days ago, I tried to have sex with Ben and my body refused. Completely, definitively, like every cell had been reprogrammed to only respond to pack. To only want them, no matter what my mind said.
And today I told him we could only be friends. Said it out loud. Made it real.
So why does it feel like I closed a door I'll never be able to open again?
My phone buzzes.
Dorian:Where are you?
Not "how'd auditions go" or "everything okay?" Where are you. Like he feels my distress through the bonds and needs to locate me.
