“Just a little bit.”
“I’m just not used to you being so sad at this time of year.” He hesitates, then asks, “Were you happier when you were with Damian?”
It’s the first time Julian has said his name since waking up hungover post-argument.
“Do you want me to answer that honestly?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says. “God help me–but I do.”
“You might not like the answer.”
“I’m not sure I canlikeany of this,” he says.
“We weren’t together for a long time,” I say, staring across the gray parking lot at the hospital. We’ve had two days without snow, as though the universe knows I won’t be able to appreciate it as much with this rift between me and the man I should think of as a stranger… but don’t. “But yeah, I was happy with him. I liked bringing out his fun side. I liked showing him life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time. We didn’t do much. We decorated. Watched one movie. But it was special.”
Julian sighs heavily. “You have to see how weird this is for me,” he mutters.
“I see it,” I tell him. “It can’t be easy.”
“And it’s not easy for you either.”
I shake my head. “Not even close. I really miss him. I keep wondering what he’s doing, how he’s doing. He’s a good person, isn’t he? Despite everything he’s done.”
“He’s got a code, and he sticks to it. Damian is a good man.” Julian works his jaw. “I’m not happy about the way I left things with him. But it’s like two worlds smashing together, two aspects of my life I thought would never have anything to do with each other.”
I touch Julian’s hand, glad we’re at least talking about this. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“You haven’t dated in years,” Julian mutters. “Why him?”
“Chemistry?” I offer. “That’s the best I can do. It feels natural with him. I don’t have to try or be anxious or second-guess myself. It’s just so much fun to make him smile. It feels like a reward. I know that probably sounds silly.”
“Damian isn’t much of a smiler,” Julian says with a reluctant grin on his own.
“I can tell. Hence the reward.”
“He used to smile a lot,” Julian goes on. “Before his parents. But then there was the crash… and the life, our new lives. The blood and the pain and the never-ending shit the Family heaps on our heads.”
We sit in silence for a time.
“I still remember when you were small enough that I could hold you,” Julian says with a longing pang in his voice. “You were so tiny. I was a teenager when you were born, already good friends with Damian. I remember talking to him about you, telling him Iwas going to do everything in my power to be the best brother I possibly could.”
He turns, stares bleakly at me. “The idea of you kissing… it freaks me out. But for these past three days, you’ve been so miserable, so unlike yourself. And that, Celine, that freaks me out even more.” He sighs, letting his head fall against the headrest. “I don’t know what to do. I just wish this would end.”
“How would that work?” I ask. “What does an endpoint even look like?”
He massages the bridge of his eyebrows. “Damian was looking into something.”
“The gambling recovery place?”
“He told you about that?”
“Yeah.”
Julian blows out a breath. “Then he trusts you more than I realized. Yeah, exactly, that place. There have been whispers about it, but people are terrified to talk about exactly what it is. Some know. I know they do. But I can’t push too hard without…”
“Without them ordering a–a hit on you? Like they ordered against Damian?”
Sayinghitmakes me feel even more surreal, like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and woken up in a mob movie.
