“When we have a kid, would you feel comfortable seeing online rumors about their teacher being a groupie? Wouldn’t that tarnish their reputation in your head?” I mumble in the expensive fabric.
Muscles tensing, he grasps the back of my neck tight. “No?—”
“You are lying. Any good parent would find this concerning,” I interrupt strongly. “It would bother me, Elijah!”
“Our children are going to be homeschooled by their mother—aka you,” he demands, refusing to admit the truth.
I jolt up, facing him. “But for shits and giggles, let’s pretend they attend a school. As a parent, would a groupie teacher bother you?”
He doesn’t say anything at first, only looks up at me from where I was just lying down. “I’d be a little worried. Do you thinkI can change their minds if I call them and explain that you’re my girlfriend?”
I wish that could permanently vanish all trace of me on the internet. All the gossip sites, posts, comments of me would still be up. Social media is permanent. It’s alarming what this could possibly mean for my career.
“Search up my name.” I hand him my phone.
“No, I won’t do that, Lily. We promised nothing good comes from that.” When he crosses his arms, his veins in his biceps look like mini rivers.
“We can’t run away from this anymore! Bad things are already starting to happen,” I exclaim, getting my phone back and typing my name.
Sitting up, he tries prying the device out of my hand, but I dodge him.
Scrolling down a bunch of websites, I face the screen toward Elijah. “Do you see this? Can this all go away by admitting we’re a couple?”
His face crumples, looking distraught.
My voice cracks. “This is my new normal. If I run, it will always find me.”
“This is all my fault.” He looks past me, seeming to be in another world.
Here we go. The empath in him is coming out.
Crawling to his side, I lie on top of him like a koala. “Don’t you dare blame this on yourself, Elijah Drakos. Other people’s actions and words cannot be controlled. I wouldn’t go back and change anything. I would still choose us over any job in the world.” Smelling his neck and nestling into his warmth, I mumble against his skin, “I have no regrets. It’s going to be okay.”
“You’d still have this job if mine didn’t involve the media. I let you be seen with me. What was I thinking, even lettingthem point a camera lens at you? I didn’t say anything sooner. Shutting down the rumors could have helped! So, yes, this is all my fucking fault.”
Sitting up and still straddling his body, I grasp his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me. “You’d better listen to me.Yes, this sucks. But you are not Jesus. You couldn’t have done anything better than you already have. You’ve told me yourself that you can’t control what people say about you online. I truly couldn’t have done this without you.No, I know I would have quit a long time ago.”
“I brought you into this world, knowing the consequences. If I loved you, I should have never done that.”
I touch his chest, finding his heartbeat under my palm. “Feel how fast your heart is racing.”
“I can hear it in my ears,” he says quietly, scared to admit he’s just a human, feeling human emotions.
“That shows, more than any words you could ever declare, that you love me.” Fisting his dress shirt, grasping tight like he might vanish, I beg that my words settle in his head.
“I’m sorry. I promised myself I’d never hurt you again.”
It kills me to see big tears streaming down his structured cheekbones. Heartbreak is written on his face like a language he’s all too familiar with.
“This is all my fault.” Broken and shaky, he wipes his tears away with the back of his hand.
Ashamed, he growls deeply under his breath. I’m frustrated when more tears stream down his face. I catch his hand in mine before he can wipe away his own tears, and my lips find the salty drops.
“Don’t fight your emotions. Let your mind rest and let go.”
He crumbles under my body, shaking with each sob that bursts deeply from his chest. Clinging to me like the world istilting, fists bunch the back of my sleeping shirt. He’s shaking so much that I’m afraid he’s going to break.
Is this a panic attack?
