She breaks down at my words. Her arms, which are wrapped around her torso, shake with her cries as a piece of her blonde hair falls in front of her eyes. I itch to tuck it behind her ear, but she wouldn’t be happy with that since I don’t make her happy.
I’ve never made anyone happy. Why did I think that would change?
Not meeting my gaze, she turns and walks slowly, like every step kills her. I feel the rope connecting us tear the more distance she puts between us. Numbing me to my place as I clench my jaw.
Even though she used her words to burn me alive, I only want her to be happy. And if I didn’t make her feel what she deserved, then I’m not worthy of her. She deserves better, and she’s finally seeing that. I just didn’t think it would be this soon.
So, I watch her walk away.
Watch her leave me.
Taking that little boy with her.
When her hand settles on the doorknob, she croaks out, “Please don’t give in. Ple—” She pauses when her voice breaks. “Please don’t drink, Levi.”
Even if I did, she’s truly shown she wouldn’t give a fuck. She’s proving that to me by walking away.
I don’t say anything, making her nod at my silence. Her sniffles are the last thing I hear before she closes the door behind her. I don’t know how long I stand in the middle of my kitchen, but the bottoms of my feet ache, crying out in pain, but not as loud as my heart, my head. Everything feels too loud.
Too unbearable.
How can everything you cherish be taken away from you so quickly?
My eyes burn from not blinking, and I walk slowly to my sofa. I sit down on the edge, feeling detached as I stare at the wall. Stare as I come to terms with the fact that I’m no longer going to get random text messages from her throughout the day, no hugs or kisses, no eating her favorite treats at two a.m. when she craves them.
No smiles.
No brightness.
Nothing.
My body begins to tingle. Resting my elbows on my bent knees in the silence of my house, I drop my face in my hands. The tingling starts to build up to a burning sensation. I bounce my legs to feel the ground beneath me, and a ball only forms at the base of my throat. Running a hand through my hair, I try to breathe, try to see through my tears.
A thin layer of sweat coats my entire body as the band around my chest tightens and strangles me. My breath wheezes.
The ache spreads and gets tighter and tighter until I start to feel hot and cold at the same time. My blood pounds in my ears, and my vision blurs, as if I were looking through five lenses at the same time.
I can’t handle this.
Can’t handle this pain.
I’m not strong enough.
My dry mouth heaves for oxygen, but air refuses to make its way into my lungs. I clench my chest, tears rolling down my face, but feel no heartbeat.
Nothing other than my body’s torture, which I have to endure.
Over and over again.
CHAPTER48
AMELIA
Ihaven’t left my room in days.
The guilt eating me alive has built roots into my bed, sucking all the energy out of me, as I lie here and blame my sudden dull mood on feeling sick.
Which isn’t a lie. The image of his face won’t leave my mind. It’s there when I open my eyes and present when I close them. I’m sick that I made him look like that. Sick that I caused him so much pain. It kills me to hurt him because he hasn’t been anything but lovely.
