“That’s what we’re trying to avoid, okay?” She peers over her shoulder at me. Pleading with her eyes. “I don’t think we have to worry about Elijah. It’s Leonidas I’m scared of.”
Damn right. I know Leonidas will put up a good fight, but I already know Elijah’s the softer sibling. He won’t be happy, but he’ll deal with it.
They’ll all have to put up with it. We’re not giving them a choice.
“You already know I’d do anything for you,” I sigh, giving in to the spell I’m currently under by Amelia Drakos and kissing her shoulder.
Kissing my arm, she starts to plate the pancakes over the stove while slightly dancing to her own music. After a few moments of taking in the way she dances without probably even noticing, I walk to the fridge and pull out maple syrup.
“How are you doing?” she whispers, nervous like I’m going to yell at her for asking about my well-being.
Looking at where my sister lies, watching TV, I shrug, lowering my voice. “I haven’t broken our pact yet, so okay, I guess.”
She nods, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Is it getting any better?”
I nod and watch the gooey syrup fall on my sister’s pancake, which I’ve already cut for her. “I have my bad days, but they’ve been tolerable. I’m trying to get used to the feeling of being sober.”
I don’t think I’ll ever be good. That’s not possible. I’m always going to have my guard up whenever alcohol comes within reach—like, for instance, when it’s used in food. I never used to read the fine print on a menu at a restaurant before. I just used to skim it based on the bold names of the dishes and pick one. Now, I find myself reading every ingredient used, searching for the one thing I can’t have.
“I have a question, but if you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll drop it.”
I hate talking about my feelings because it makes them feel real. But she’s my girlfriend, and I don’t want to mess this up by shutting her out. If I can’t be open with her, then who can I talk to?
“Ask away.” I lean against the counter, watching as she nervously bites her lip.
“Isn’t it harmful, not going to rehab for alcoholism?”
Ah, I knew this question was coming soon.
“Extremely. I wouldn’t recommend my method to anyone going through what I’m going through.” I shake my head, watching her walk closer to where I stand. “In rehab, you’re not exposed to things that can make you possibly relapse. Every day, the thought that I’m able to go into a liquor store if I want to replays in my head over and over again. That isn’t even an option there. But stress is one of the main reasons why most people relapse. It’s almost as if I can feel when alcohol is near while my thoughts scream at me. But I’m learning self-control in a very dangerous way.” I shrug, glaring at my feet.
She grabs hold of my hand and squeezes, telling me she understands.
“I refuse to go to rehab because Stella would most likely be taken from me, and I can’t lose her, Amelia. Every single bad day I have now would be nothing compared to the pain I would feel if I lost her.”
Pressing her face on my chest, she kisses my bare skin.
“I just think about her when I’m going through it. She always seems to make the pain manageable until I take my mind off of it through music.” Wrapping my arms around her tiny waist, I place my chin on her head, breathing her in.
“I’m proud of you. I don’t think you realize how good of a person you are for not only yourself, but also for your sister. You’ve been battling an addiction all alone, in silence, for months. You’re so strong, Levi. But you’re not alone anymore. I’m here for you, okay? Your bad days are my bad days, and that also counts for the happy days.”
When I hear the crack in her voice, I decide that I never want to hear her pain again.
“Thank you, honey.” Gripping her face in both of my hands, I lay a kiss on her pouty lips.
“Can you promise me that you’ll always tell me when you’re having a bad day? That way, I can be there for you. I could take Stella away for a couple of hours so you could write or do whatever you do that might help.”
Placing my forehead on hers, I nod. “I’ll tell you. But you have no idea how much it helps, already knowing you’re not only there for me now, but also for my sister. It gives me strength.”
Her fingers wind behind my neck. “I’ve always been there for you, even when I hated you.”
We never hated each other, did we?
I laugh, kissing her lips once more before giving her a serious frown. “Enough about me. How are you doing? Are you still off social media?”
I don’t miss the way her eyes dampen with sadness.
“Yeah, I’m still logged out of all my accounts. I’m okay, I guess. I don’t think I’ll ever be one hundred percent, but I’m eating.” She shrugs, stepping away from my body and picking up my sister’s plate. “I’m just tired of feeling guilty when I eat, but those thoughts never leave my head, no matter how much I fight them.”
