CHAPTER1
AMELIA
When you lose someone, the first thing you forget about them is their voice.
I’m not dead, but I might as well be. How is someone alive when they feel empty?
“You’d look prettier if you gained weight.”
“Suck in your stomach.”
“You shouldn’t wear heels; you’re already tall enough.”
“Why don’t you smile more?”
“It looks like you’re letting yourself go …”
My sticky hands, glazed with sweat, slide on the cool tiles as the gagging finally stops until I’m just a heaving mess on the floor. I fight the urge to place my forehead on the cool toilet seat as I reach up and flush the toilet. I watch with heavy eyes as the water goes around and around, getting rid of the sour liquid coating my mouth with a displeasing taste.
I hate this. Hate what I’ve become.
Forcing my trembling legs up, I grip the counter and walk toward the mirror hanging on the wall above the sink. My mouth turns down in a frown as I gaze at every inch of my body. Unsteady hands, blonde hair that looks like a mess, and let’s not forget about my face. Blotchy, red, and lined with sweat.
Weakness is what I see in my sunken eyes. Rage surges through my veins as I shake my head at myself.
What have I become?
Blinking away the sudden tears that have rushed to my eyes, I lift my arm, which feels like it weighs a thousand pounds more than it should, and reach for my toothbrush. Placing a dab of toothpaste on the bristles, I brush my teeth.
Every time I manage to consume something to fuel my body and it comes right back up, I feel so hopeless. Why am I scared of a piece of chicken? Why can’t I eat like everyone else can?
Spitting out my toothpaste, I rinse my mouth. Wiping my face, I give myself one last look in the mirror and wince, like usual.
“Amelia, are you okay in there?” Elijah says through the closed door.
Taking a deep breath and pushing back my shoulders, I clear my throat before speaking to my brother. “I just had to use the bathroom.”
Twisting the doorknob and pushing open the door, I come face-to-face with his concerned eyes.
“Again?” His voice breaks.
I nearly break down into tears, just hearing the disappointment in his voice. I hate that he always knows when something is wrong. Because when I look into his brown eyes, seeping with so much emotion, I realize I’m not only hurting myself, but I’m also damaging my brother.
I glance down at my feet in shame. “It just happened. You know I can’t hold it down.”
Expecting to get another lecture about my eating disorder for the millionth time, I’m surprised when Elijah pulls my body to his. He lays his cheek on the top of my head, and I feel him sigh against my chest.
“You can’t hide this from us, Amelia. Remember what happened last time?”
God, yes, I do. My father threatened to send me away. The only reason he didn’t was because of my brothers. They promised to watch over me.
Nothing they’ve done has worked. And that kills me inside, knowing I’m letting them down.
“I’m not trying to hide this from you. It’s just hard to call for someone when vomit is making its way up my throat,” I say, trying to lighten up the mood but failing.
My brother pulls back from my body and grabs my bony shoulders in his grip. “Amelia, this isn’t a joke, so don’t try to distract me.” He purses his lips in distaste. “I need to know when you need me. We all do.”
He’s referring to my other brother, Leonidas; his girlfriend, who’s my best friend, Trinity; and my mother. That’s everyone in my life. Pretty sad, I know.
