It seems as if I were paused in time, like someone would have to pinch me to awaken my senses. Trinity’s words are like a bucket of cold water thrown over me. She’s having suicidal thoughts. Nothing is stronger and more consuming than that. I know how that feels—an endless tunnel of nothing. Dark that you can hardly see. Your thoughts scream at you, and you’ll do anything to escape them.
I won’t let this girl hurt herself. I’ll protect her with everything I have in my life.
“He was just a puppy, Leonidas. He had his entire life ahead of him.”
“And so do you,” I interrupt. “Don’t do anything rash right now, Trin.” A tear trails down my cheek. “God, don’t make the same mistake I made.” My voice cracks. I pull her into my body again. “Trinity, I can’t lose you. Call me selfish, but you’ll kill me inside if you leave me.”
“I’m scared,” is all she says in response. Gripping on to my shoulders, she places her cheek against mine. I feel her wet tears against my own. “He died. He’s dead. I’ll never see him again.”
“I know. I’m so sorry, Trinity.”
Death is an evil thing. It takes away a bond that will never be replaced. When someone grieves a death, nothing you say will take away the pain. A sudden death is the worst. You don’t have those last few moments that you’ll cherish and remember for a lifetime.
As we sit on the forest ground in each other’s arms, looking at one another, I watch the remaining light in her eyes drain out.
And the worst part is, my light disappeared a long time ago, and now, hers match my own.
THIRTY-FOUR
TRINITY
Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing as Leonidas carries me back home in his arms. My heart is completely empty as I stare straight ahead. My hands don’t even shake from my usual anxiety. I’m just still. A lifeless soul—alive, but not really.
I feel stupid that I thought I could have something that gave me happiness. I was naive to think I could take care of anything. I was an idiot to think I could be loved me.
What if Simba ran off to get away from me? Was he happy? I tried my best every day to make him the happiest pup ever.
The thought of him being terrified in his last few moments makes the pain ten times worse. Maybe I’m the problem. Everything around me dies. I cause destruction in my life—even Mom thinks so. I’m a disappointment.
The one thing I was responsible for is dead.
Something bit my baby, and he died from the blood loss. I wasn’t there to take him to the animal hospital. I wasn’t there to hold him while he left. My head screams at me that I’m absolutely nothing.
No one would notice if I was gone.
Simba didn’t deserve to die, but I do.
What’s left for me? My dad was killed, now my dog. Is the world going through everyone in my life and killing them as a joke? I can’t take this anymore—the constant stabbing feeling in my chest. It takes effort to breathe. For four years, I’ve had this weight on my chest, and now, it’s just gotten heavier.
Guilt will eat me alive until there’s nothing left of me. Why isn’t Dad helping me? Why am I being tortured like this? What else will happen to me? When will I wave the white flag, throw in the towel, and run? Absolutely disappear from this joke called life.
Leonidas carries me all the way to his house. Blood stains his chest from my shirt. I was so consumed with my own feelings that I didn’t even consider his. I glance up at him and wince. My eyes hurt like a bitch. They feel small and puffy. I’m definitely swollen and red in the face from all the crying I’ve been doing.
I watch him. His eyes are distant. Even though he was crying earlier, it doesn’t look like it. His bottom lip slightly quivers. That’s why he bites it and squeezes his eyes shut tightly for a second. He doesn’t stop his powerful strides. I can tell he’s trying to keep his feelings to himself. If I wasn’t in so much pain, I would run my hand through his hair and say it’s okay to cry. I know how it feels to keep your emotions in. It’s suffocating.
He supports my body in one arm as he opens their back door. It slams shut against the frame behind us. As we enter the kitchen, I place my cheek against his hot chest.
I spot Amelia at the kitchen table with Elijah standing in front of her. They’re both silent until they see us. Amelia stands from her seat quickly, almost making her chair fall to the ground.
“Trinity,” she croaks out. Her hand touches my arm. It takes everything in me not to pull away from her. But I stay still as her icy hand rubs my warm one. “Love, I’m so sorry.”
I hate sympathy. I don’t want people to look at me with pity. Elijah and Amelia look at me with sadness in their eyes. Leonidas doesn’t. He doesn’t pity me, and that’s what I love about him. He understands when someone has lost something they love, the last thing they want to do is talk about it. I want to sit somewhere in darkness and just be left alone.
But it’s different this time. When Dad died, I felt like I had a mother, a mother to hug and cry on. This time, all I have is myself, for God’s sake.
The boy I fell in love with is leaving in a couple of weeks. How will I be then? Will I become numb to the pain and be okay? Or will the thoughts consume me until I do something he’ll hate me for?
This is the first time I fear myself. Like Leonidas said, I don’t want to make the same mistake he made.
