As if in a trance, I walked back to my room, opened the door, and fell face first onto my bed. I stayed like that until a maid came by to tell me that I was wanted at dinner. She wasn’t Araceli. I didn’t know why that disappointed me so much.
Ysabel met me at the dining room door. “We’re having a family dinner tonight. Just you, me, Kaine, and your ‘friend’ Ari.”
I squirmed internally at the emphasis she put on the wordfriend. “Why Ari?”
“I should be asking you that,” Ysabel said in a mischievous way. “Kaine agreed with me. In fact, he insisted. He said it was a necessary rite of passage.”
What did that mean? I had no time to ask before Ysabel whisked me inside. The round tower room was surrounded by windows on three sides, overlooking the snow-covered gardens. At first I thought the table stood on a carpet, but it was actually a tile pattern embedded in the floor. A mirror on the ceiling made the small room seem bigger and brighter. The ebony table had been covered with roasted chicken and mashed potatoes. Each cushioned chair had a golden butterfly on the back. Kaine sat next to Ari, who I knew was currently Ari from his white shirt and trousers.
Kaine stuffed a grape into his mouth. In his typical blunt fashion, he asked, “Are you a she or a he? It may affect the particular nature of the threats I level against you.”
“Today, I don’t feel much like either, but ‘he’ fits best at the moment.”
Kaine’s eyes widened. He leapt to his feet with his arms extended, shouting, “New friend!” as he attempted to hug Ari. Ari held him off with one hand.
Ysabel pinched her forehead. “Love of my life, we’ve talked about this. No hugging without asking first.”
“Sorry.” Kaine lowered his arms. “Can I hug you?”
“Err, I’d rather not,” Ari said.
“I’m completely fine with that.” Kaine sat down. “Sorry again. I got a little overexcited about meeting someone like me.”
“We’re alike?” Ari sat up straighter.
“It’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough to make us friends,” Kaine said. “I was born female, but I realized pretty early on that I identified as a boy. I know it’s not so straightforward for everyone.”
Ari nodded. “I thought I might be like that for a while, except the other way around. I think the longer I presented as a man, the more it bothered me that no one saw me as a woman, but then when everyone saw me as a woman, I had the same problem the other way around.”
“The elves call that genderfluid.” Kaine leaned forward. “I know a woman with a body-modification gift who changed my body into the form I wanted. The change is complete. It even allowed me to become a father. Should I introduce you?”
“Thank you, that’s a very generous offer, but there’s no need. I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just … don’t think my body is who I am. Just an arbitrary box that causes other people to put stifling labels on me.”
“Boy, do I ever feel that,” I muttered, thinking of how everyone back in my village used to look at me with a mingling of pity and indifference. When both of them looked at me, I flushed. “I didn’t mean to intrude. It’s just that I know what it’s like to be uncomfortable with your body. I had to deal with”—I didn’t want to admit to making myself throw up—“bullying. Uh. I know that’s nothing like what you’ve gone through. Err, since it’s a lot more common to be fat. Most people don’t care. Only a few jerks make a fuss about it.” Mytongue was all tied up, and this wasn’t coming out right. “I was trying to say that I admire you both for taking charge of your own identities. Uh, I’ve never had any conflicting feelings about my gender. But if I did, I bet I would have bottled it up and hid it for my entire life.”
Ari touched my hand. “I respectfully disagree. I think you’re a lot braver than you give yourself credit for.”
“Thanks.” I flushed. “I confess I’m curious to learn more. This is a new concept to me.”
“I’ve wanted to talk to you about it for a while,” Ari said, meeting my gaze. Something in that look sent shivers through me. “I’ll answer your questions if you answer mine.”
“Sure! What causes you to change between genders?”
“The first question, and already I can’t answer.” Ari smiled ruefully. “I don’t know. It just happens. Sometimes over a long period of time, sometimes a couple times a day. Sometimes who I’m talking to or what I’m doing affects how I feel, sometimes it doesn’t. Trust me, I find it more confusing than anyone else. When I don’t follow how I want to express my gender, I don’t feel like my honest self.”
“I think you answered me perfectly,” I said.
Kaine nodded. “I get it. I used to feel like a foreigner in my body. It drove me crazy when someone called me ‘she’ and I’d just think ‘Who’s that?’ Like a gut wrongness.”
“Yes! Exactly!” Ari snapped his fingers and sat up straighter. “A constant, nagging itch. It can be frustrating that I have to dress up one way or another to get people to see me how I want. Sometimes I don’t want to change clothes in the middle of the day. But I suppose I should be grateful that Arahasnor has so many gendered uniforms. Makes it easier.”
“In elven society, some people go by ‘they’ or use another gender-neutral pronoun,” Kaine said.
Ari shrugged. “I’d heard that, but I’m not sure it’s right for me. I like it when people perceive me as the same gender I identify as at the moment. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction that I’m not sure I’d get from ‘them.’ Sometimes I’m fine with any pronoun, but other times it matters to me. I suppose it wouldn’t be a big deal if everyone justcalled me ‘them’ all the time. Do you think I should stick with that? Would that make it easier on other people?”
Kaine shrugged. “That question makes my head hurt. Who knows what’s easier for other people? Who cares? Just do what you want. If you want to be ‘he’ tonight, then be ‘he.’”
I chimed in. “I agree. ‘It wouldn’t be a big deal’ doesn’t make it sound like you want that. You should do what you want. I admire that about you.”
