I believed myself. But how would he chase away the demon I was most scared of? The demon wrapped his arms around me. The demon called me Dolcezza and called himself my husband.
Darkness was never still in my dreams. It had never been ever since I met Zagreus Vitale. Or was it before that? Was I always doomed to darkness ever since forever?
It moved within me, breathed inside me. Pressed its palms over my eyes and whispered my name like a curse meant to be broken.
“Stina…”
A voice crooned in that darkness. My mother’s voice. Lilting and slow. Haunting and melodical. Familiar and unfamiliar. “Sleep, Stina, sleep. You’re safest when you don’t open your eyes.”
I tried to obey, but the dark kept pulling me backwards, through hallways smelling of smoke, through rooms with no walls, only shadows choking me. Somewhere, a door slammed again and again, the echo bleeding into my bones.
I was small in this dream. My knees bare. My feet were cold on a floor that seemed to pulse with a heartbeat rhythmic with my own. There was no furniture, only corners shifting when I looked away. And the faint scent of iron in the air.
“Where are you?” I asked, though I didn’t know who I was speaking to. I was desperate. I wanted my mother. “Mama…”
“Shh…” she said again. But her voice was wrong this time. It wasn’t warm like I used to feel. Or safe when the thunder roared outside. “If you’re quiet, they won’t find you, little Stina.”
I wanted to ask her who she was talking about. But I couldn’t comprehend anything.
My hands were wet, stinky, and my chest ached like I’d been running forever. In the distance, I heard footsteps. But I couldn’t see anything. Only feel.
“Don’t move,” she warned. But her hand, when it touched mine, was ice. The sudden light from across her struck her bare face. The warm mocha eyes that used to comfort me stared at me blankly. I expected the welcoming features my mother always adorned.
Only it wasn’t her face anymore. It was hollow. Skin stretched too tight over bones. Older and weaker. Her eyes were wide, soulless, and her pupils were gone. Her lips cracked as she smiled at me. “Sleep, Stina. Sleep forever.”
My heart lurched as a gut-wrenching scream tore through my lips. Something grabbed my ankle, and I fell down, rolled over and over through nothing, through her voice still calling after me, and my screams. The smell of ash and something burning through the echo of my own cries.
Just when I felt like I was falling off a cliff, I woke up choking on air.
My eyes snapped open, and my chest tightened. It took me several minutes to realise I was in a room; it wasn’t dark. My heart jackhammered against my ribs, my nails digging crescent moons into my palms. My breath came in short, sharp bursts, and I was already screaming before I knew what I was saying.
Cold hands grabbed me, and my wails grew louder.
“No, no… get off… stop!”
Arms wrapped around me from behind. Iron-strong and warm for some reason. My body thrashed against them until the scent hit me. Cedar and smoke.Zagreus.
“Dolcezza, hey, hey… look at me.” His voice was low but edged. As if he was standing too close to the cliff I rolled down from. His hand came to my jaw, turning my face toward him, but I couldn’t stop trembling. My skin was clammy, and my hair a damp, tangled mess.
“I…” My throat closed. My chest hurt. “I don’t…”
“You’re safe,” he whispered into my ear, forcing me to meet his stormy eyes. “It’s me. Zagreus. You’re safe. I’ll keep you safe.”
The word safe broke something in me. I collapsed forward into him, fists gripping his shirt so tightly I could hear the stitches strain. My sobs were violently messy and raw.
“I don’t remember, Zagreus,” I gasped against him. My voice was shaking so badly I barely recognised it. “Why don’t I remember my childhood? Why don’t I remember my mother?”
His arms tightened. “Dolcezza…”
“Don’t… don’t call me that unless you’re going to tell me the truth.” My nails scraped at his shoulders, desperate for an anchor. “Do you know? Do you know what happened to my mother? I don’t know if what I know is true or not. It’s killing me. I can’t… I can’t live like this. I can’t live with the lies.”
His eyes held something he had no intention of exposing me to.
“Yes,” he said finally.
I froze. Everything tilted. My tears blurred him, but I could still feel the intensity of his gaze.
“Then tell me,” I whispered. “Please. Please, Zagreus… I can’t live with this fog in my head. I feel like I’m missing pieces of my own soul and…”
