I’m terrified of opening myself up to feel the type of hurt you can only experience through the people you love because, in my experience, they’re the ones with the greatest power to inflict pain.
“Al, I know you deserve better than what I’m suggesting. I think you’re beautiful, and I like spending time with you. Honestly, it wouldn’t be much different than what we’re already doing, except we’d actually be able to follow through on the tension between us. I don’t want our friendship to change,” I say softly, and I start to feel her pull back from me—mentally and physically. “Just think about it. We can still be us because I know you have to find me at least somewhat attractive, or you never would have kissed me the night we met.”
She leans back, forcing me to meet her guarded expression. I continue my nervous rambling because I’ve really fucked this up.“Please don’t feel like you have to say yes. I can leave your room, and we’ll pretend this never happened.”
Why can’t I tell Alondra I want to be with her?
Momma helped. She really did.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know anything other than sex with no strings attached.
I’ll get there. I need a little more time, but I really am trying.
It’s just not as easy as it seemed on the phone.
“I’m not sure what to say,” she admits, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m exhausted, and I-I don’t know, Jack.”
I run my hand through my hair, pissed at myself for thinking I could make a good decision this early in the morning.
“I’m sorry. I’ll go. Please forget I said anything,” I say, each word feeling like a sucker punch, and I move to get up.
“Wait a second. It’s too late, just stay in here. It’s more comfortable than the couch.”
“The couch is fine.”
“I’m too tired to argue with you, and considering you were knocking at my door at god knows what fucking time, you’re going to have to listen to me,” Al says, leaving no room for argument.
“Are you sure?” I ask, and she gives me an annoyed look before leaning over to turn off her lamp, plunging the room into darkness.
“Either get in the bed or lie on the floor. Up to you.”
Al climbs under the covers, and I shed my hoodie, following her lead to slip under the covers next to her. Al rolls to rest her head on my shoulder, draping her arm over my chest. I wrap my arm around her, breathing a short sigh of relief.
We lie there in silence, and I pray to God this isn’t the last time I get to hold Alondra like this.
“Jack? Are you awake?” she whispers after a while.
“Yeah.”
Alondra sucks in a shaky breath, the sound resonating through me. “I’m scared.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, pressing my lips to the top of her head.
“If I agree, do you promise that things won’t change? I don’t want to lose you.”
“Al, you’re stuck with me for a long time, no matter what we are to each other. We’ll always be friends, first and foremost. I promise.”
She shifts to lie more on top of me, her legs tangling with mine. “Okay. We can try it, but I’m only going to do this exclusively. No other girls.”
I want to laugh because I haven’t laid a finger on another girl since meeting Alondra.
“Not a problem, but the same goes for you.” It really bothered me seeing her kiss Nate. I don’t want to share her. “I’m all yours.”
Al doesn’t say anything, and I hold my breath until she does.
“Goodnight, pretty boy.”
“Goodnight,” I whisper back, wishing I’d been able to tell her the truth. I close my eyes, willing all thoughts of my dad to the furthest corner of my mind.
