How am I supposed to know how to be in a relationship when their relationship was my example of love while growing up? Constantly watching my dad beat down my mom?
I’m terrified to be like him—to behisversion of a man.
And Al? Knowing she was hurt by someone who she thought loved her just kills me.It fucking kills me.
She deserves someone who can love her without hesitation, because it’s as easy as breathing for them, and I don’t know if I can give that to her. I want to, but I don’t know how.
The way Alondra looked at me earlier was like I hung the moon in the sky just for her while we were dancing, and I needed to kiss her. She said she trusted me, and the warm, fuzzy feeling I had in my chest exploded. Being around Al makes me feel like the best version of myself, where I want to be everything for her.
So I kissed her, and she kissed me back.
Al makes me happy, but I can’t go there with her. It’s only a matter of time until I do something to hurt her, whether I want to or not.
After I kissed her, she wouldn’t even talk to me. She ran away when all I wanted to do was keep kissing her.
I move slowly around the living room, pulling on my hoodie before grabbing my phone from where it’s plugged in. I step out onto their patio, calling the one person who might be able to help me make sense of where my head is at.
The chill in the air feels good, helping to ground me from the chaos.
“Jack? Is everything okay?” Momma asks, answering on the third ring, and I drag my hand over my face.
“I just really needed to talk to you,” I admit, exhaling a long sigh that crystallizes right before my eyes.
“At four in the morning?”
I blink, pulling my phone away from my ear, surprised by the time. “I’m sorry.”
“I thought you’d be wiped from your game. Your coach texted me and said you played great.”
“I had a nightmare,” I admit, wishing it were something I’d concocted from my imagination instead of the darkest corner of my memories.
“About your father?” she asks, but I’ve never had them about anything else. They started shortly after he went to prison, and while they’ve become less frequent, I don’t think I’ll ever hit a point where they won’t happen.
I let out a short huff, irritated he gets to hold the title when he was everything but a father figure. “He’s not my father.”
“Jack, we can’t change who our parents are. We can only control our own actions,” she says, and I know Momma’s right, but it still doesn’t change the fact I wish I weren’t biologically related to him. “Which one was it?”
I feel terrible for calling at this time. I should have checked the time before I did. “Does it matter?”
“He can’t hurt us anymore, sweetie.”
“I know, but it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten,” I say, looking up at the clear night sky, and she sighs.
“No, you don’t forget going through something like that,” Momma says, her quiet tone reflecting the melancholy suffocating me.
I blink away the tears forming at the sound of her voice. “I miss you a lot.”
“I’ll see you in a few days,” she reminds me, and I’m relieved it’s so close. I just have to make it through these two away games tomorrow and Monday before I get to be home.
“Just a couple more sleeps,” I say, but the heaviness hasn’t lifted from my chest. “Do you believe in love?”
“Jack . . . ” she trails off, and I sniffle, wiping my nose on my sleeve while I wait for her answer. “I do. I hoped that if I gave you more time without pressuring you to talk about it with me, you’d realize it on your own, but I think it’d be wrong to close your heart off from someone who cares about you. Don’t let my mistakes affect your decisions with Alondra. You have such a big heart, and so much love to give.”
“How do you know this has to do with Al?” I ask, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“I know I’m your mother, and you probably think I’m oblivious, but I saw how you were with her. You look at Alondra like she’s more precious to you than anything else in the world. Tell me what happened,” she says, and it’s nice to finally talk to her about how confused I feel.
“I don’t think you’re oblivious, but it’s kind of a long story,” I admit, the soreness in my body finally catching up to me from our game last night, paired with sleeping on the girls’ couch again.
