It’s not anything new to me that I’m attracted to him, so it shouldn’t be weird now?
Maybe it’s a sign I’m more ready than I thought to put myself back out there. It’s been long enough since Bradley.
Jack nudges my leg with his knee, and when I look, there’s another text on my screen.
Jack
i’m sorry
I lean over, dropping my voice to a low whisper. “It’s fine. Do I need to offer to let you touch my boobs to make it less weird I’ve felt your dick?”
He coughs, and I bite back a laugh when he looks at me with wide eyes, but I don’t miss how his bright gaze flickers down to my chest before looking me in the eyes again. “Don’t tempt me with a good time, darlin’,” Jack whispers back a moment later, and I roll my eyes.
“Pay attention, pretty boy,” I scold, but then Jack smiles at me, and I’m hopeful yesterday isn’t the big deal I thought it would be.
“I want to go out this weekend,” I say, setting my things down at the table Macy’s occupying at the library.
“Go out where?” she asks, looking confused, and I really can’t blame her. I hardly ever want to go out, and it’s never my idea.
I let out a shaky breath as I slide into the chair. “Like out somewhere. I want to go to a party or a bar, and I want to meet a guy.”
“Is this you freaking out because Jack stayed the night?”
I roll my eyes. “He stayed the night, but only because we fell asleep on the couch—platonically,” I say, adding an extra emphasis on the word platonic because she’s already jumping to conclusions. “This isn’t because of Jack staying the night. I want to go out because I think after everything with Bradley, I mightbe ready. I’m not saying I want to find a boyfriend, but would it be so bad if I hooked up with someone?”
Macy blinks, tilting her head. “Al, what exactly are you hoping to gain from this?”
“I don’t know. Does it matter?” I ask, tapping my fingers on the table.
I want to know if my body is capable of responding to someone. I need to know if my brain is playing tricks on me because I can’t let myself want Jack.
“It’s just that it’s only been ten months since Bradley. Are you sure you’re ready?” she asks, choosing each word with care. “There’s no harm in taking more time.”
I’m being sensitive. I know I am, but it still hurts.
“So you’re allowed to go back and forth with Chad after I don’t even know how many times he’s played mind games and cheated on you, but I say I might be ready to put myself out there again and—” I take a second to breathe because I’m angry and not thinking rationally. The shock reflected on her face makes me feel guilty because I don’t want to hurt my best friend. “Why aren’t you supporting me like I’ve supported you?”
“I am supporting you—” Macy tries to say, but I push my chair back.
“No, you’re not. You have no idea what it was like to be in that relationship, and how badly I want to feel like myself again. When it was on your terms, you were more than happy to push me toward kissing Jack. I-I’ve got to go.”
“Al—”
“Whatever, I’ll ask Ellie to go with me,” I snap, grabbing my things. I’m not sure where I’m going to go, but I don’t particularly want to be here right now.
It’s too damn cold to wander around campus, so I head in the direction of my apartment. It’s a fifteen-minute walk that doesn’t feel awful in the fall or spring, but most people driveonce the temperature begins to drop. I caught a ride with Ellie this morning, but she’s in a lab all afternoon.
I understand why she’s worried. A lot of shit went down with Bradley, and there’s still so much Macy doesn’t know because I didn’t want to see the way she’d look at me.
I’m doing my best to move on, and I know I’m not whole yet, but I think the fact I’m willing to try should say something. I don’t want a relationship, but maybe I’d like to have a guy buy me a drink or feel desired? Is there something so wrong with that?
I’m crossing the parking lot when my phone rings with a call from Jack. Of course it’s him.
I hesitate before answering because I want to wallow in my feelings, but I don’t want him to think I’m still freaked about yesterday morning. He’s probably checking to see if I’m going to his game tonight, but a deal is a deal.
“Hello?”
“Hey, what’s up?” Jack asks.
