I blink, taking in the flickering candles placed throughout the room, and despite Jack telling me I could pick,When Harry Met Sallyis queued up. I’m not sure I’ve ever told him it’s one of my favorites. There’s a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels and a small white pastry box sitting on top of a new fuzzy blanket.
“I told you it wasn’t my dick, but I’m sure we can arrange a showing later if you want,” Jack teases, pressing a short kiss to my cheek, rendering me speechless.
Oh my god.
He didn’t . . .howdid Jack have this all ready? I was with him most of the day, and he didn’t even know it was my birthday until this morning?
I clear my throat, turning back to look at him. “You did this?” I ask, my voice cracking as all of the emotions I’ve been trying to suppress when it comes to Jack, threaten to overcome me. I’ve tried not to fall in love with him, but he makes it so damn easy to love him.
“Do you like it?” he asks, the candlelight flickering in his eyes. “I know you haven’t had the easiest couple of days, so I thought a low-key night would be perfect.”
I can’t believe he did this for me, but I also shouldn’t be surprised. This is exactly the type of person Jack has proven himself to be, time and time again.
I don’t know how he can’t believe in love, because this is exactly what love is. It’s taking the time to see and accept all the parts of someone. Love is showing up over and over again. Love is helping them be the best version of themselves, but I can’t make Jack believe in it if he isn’t ready to.
But this isn’t fun anymore, and I can’t pretend that it is.
Every kind gesture Jack has done for me has only poured gasoline on the slow burning flame of hope inside my chest, igniting to encase my whole body, and that’s when I know.
This hurts, in a visceral sort of way, and I hate to even consider the idea we’ve danced too close to the sun, burned too bright, and now the only thing left is a black hole, ready to destroy anything in its path.
I can’t change Jack until he’s ready to face his demons, and because I love him, I shouldn’t force it.
Tears flood my vision, and I wipe them away in time to see Jack’s beautiful smile fade. “Alondra?”
I rest my hand on his chest, pushing him away, and his arms fall to his sides. The loss of warmth is immediate.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper, knowing it’s better to end us now than to continue down this path.Is there even an “us” to end if we’re not in a relationship?
“What?” he asks, tilting his head at me.
I inhale a shaky breath. “I love you, and it’s okay that you can’t say it back. I’m not expecting you to, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s too confusing for me.”
His face pales. “Al, just give me t?—”
“I want to. God, Jack, I want to so badly, but I can’t,” I say, wrapping my arms around myself. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you because you’re an incredible person. I know your dad did some fucked up things you don’t talk about, but I don’t think all the time in the world will make a difference until you face it. I have to deal with what happened during my relationship with Bradley, and what comes next for me, but I hope you’re a part of it.”
“Please, I?—”
I cut him off. “Don’t. This is hard enough.” I take a hesitant step closer to Jack, leaning up to kiss his cheek, and I hope it’s not goodbye. “I’m going to go, but thank you for all of this. You don’t know what it means to me.”
“Alondra.”For once, the way Jack says my name doesn’t cause my heart to swell. It causes it to break.
“Bye, Jack.” I walk past him, covering my mouth with my hand to prevent the sob from escaping. I flee down the stairs, faster than I should because it causes my ribs to burn.
Yet, the pain in my ribs is nothing compared to the splintering of my heart as I walk out the door.
The game of pretend is over.
CHAPTER 40
Alondra
Everyone has askedme what the hell happened between me and Jack, but I couldn’t find the right words to explain it to them in a way to help them understand why I pushed Jack away when I hate the idea of letting him go. As much as I hate my decision, I don’t think I was wrong.
I meant what I said about hoping Jack can be a part of whatever comes next for me. At the end of the day, I like being his friend, and if that’s all we’re meant to be, I’ll find a way to get over my feelings, but the lines have become too blurred. I don’t regret agreeing to his idea of friends with benefits, but it wasn’t a good idea for me or my heart anymore.
My goal for this year was to find myself again. I’ve learned how to find the colors in the world, and to let myself feel them instead of throwing up walls with the people who care about me.
