My heart clawed its way up into my throat so that I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t love Xander. I liked him. I cared about him. I wanted to be with him all the time and sometimes missed him even when he was next to me. I didn’t want him to die.
But that didn’t mean love.
Did it?
I was extremely grateful that I hadn’t been hearing Demaratus in my head lately because I was afraid of what he would have said about this situation.
Even if some part of me felt that way, I couldn’t let it be true.
“That seems like a beautiful metaphor,” Ahyana said wistfully. “The people we love power us.”
It would explain why Quynh’s baby had lit up for me. I already loved that little one and was sure I would love it a hundred times more when it was born.
“You love Rokh?” Zalira said. “Have you said the words?”
Before, Zalira’s concern for her sister had been more along the lines of the temple guards finding out and fatally punishing Ahyana, but with that possibility removed, it felt like Zalira was more concerned about her sister not getting hurt as she had.
“Not yet. I have wanted to say them, but it feels ... wrong. Like I need to wait. I’m not sure why. It’s like part of him is holding back.” I was fairly certain Rokh hadn’t said them because he still hadn’t told her the truth yet. She would be able to sense where he was when he did. She might notice how quickly he was moving as he flew. I didn’t know how far the connection stretched, but at some point he probably flew beyond it.
Ahyana would have questions that he didn’t seem ready to answer.
Io’s gaze had remained fixed on me. “You can see Xander’s light. Lia, you promised me.”
Her accusation wounded me. “I’m not trying to hurt him. I’m as surprised as anyone else that I see a light around him.”
“You are the only one who is surprised,” Ahyana playfully corrected me, apparently not bothered by Io’s distress.
Unlike Suri, who looked like she was ready to cut my throat.
I decided now was not the time to mention that Xander’s light had grown even brighter than before.
“You will hurt him,” Io said. “There is no way around this. He will be destroyed.”
And I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to harm Xander.
But a part of me was afraid that Io was right and he and I were destined to destroy one another’s hearts.
Chapter Thirty-One
We spent the rest of the day preparing. Practicing our magic, working on moving past our previous limits. Io took charge of the food and supplies we would need for the trip. She didn’t speak much to anyone, which was so unlike her. It made me feel guilty. As if I’d disappointed her when I hadn’t meant to.
I didn’t dwell on it, though. Because all day long my mind kept recalling the dream I’d had of myself about to die at Artemisia’s hands. Reliving over and over the moment when that massive hammer had been about to flatten me.
Part of me felt scared, as if I were being shown exactly how I would die, but the rest of me was terrified about what would happen to Xander. I refused to let him join me in death.
If Ahyana’s theory was correct and we saw the light around people we loved ... then the magic seemed to believe that I loved Xander.
Was I willing to possibly forfeit retrieving the greatest weapon in order to save my husband?
I was afraid that I was. Afraid that these feelings I refused to name were driving me to protect him in any way that I could.
I was willing to put everything aside, risk my own worthiness, to make sure that he lived. He was part of the prophecy. He had to survive. So I would make sure that he did.
And it surprised me how calm I felt about making that decision.
When he finally returned to our room, it was late. I could see on his face how tired he was. And that he was upset.
“What happened?” I asked.
