“I was waiting for you.” Could he hear how loud my heartbeat was? Could he see my pulse throbbing in my neck? I was so nervous to talk to him.
“It’s late, wife. I want to go to sleep.”
“Please. Just a few minutes.”
He hesitated, as if making up his mind, and then he nodded. He took off the cloak he’d been wearing and let it drop to the floor. I wondered where he had gone, what he’d been doing.
But I knew now was not the time to ask.
Xander sat down on our bed, leaving a great deal of space between us, unlike earlier, when he’d sat so close that we were touching.
I wasn’t sure how to begin. Should I apologize for fleeing this morning? Explain why I had panicked? Help him to understand what I’d been thinking?
That wasn’t really what he and I did. We didn’t sit down and discuss things rationally. We threw out accusations and threats and fought.
I wanted more than that. I wanted to work with him, not against him.
“Earlier today ...” I started and then immediately stopped, wringing my hands together. Why was I so scared? Why was this so hard?
After another few beats he spoke. “I shared what you told me about the hammer of Arion with the palace’s scholars and historians. I’m hopeful that they’ll find something.”
“Lysimache bragged about destroying books. I’m not sure they’ll come up with anything useful. Io and Suri checked your mother’s library and there wasn’t any information about it there, either.”
“Your library,” he absentmindedly corrected me while rubbing the back of his neck.
“My library,” I said, ignoring the warmth currently spreading through my chest.
More silence until he asked, “Why did you run away from me this morning?”
“Because ... because nothing has changed.”
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. His passive expression gave nothing away. “Everything has changed. The high priestess is dead. My contract with her is null and void.”
Oh. I hadn’t considered that. He had promised to keep me a maiden, and he had promised that to Theano.
“And there are no more temple guards,” he added. It made me wonder if Ahyana had told that to Rokh, who had passed it along to Xander. “No one will bury you alive.”
Despite his calm demeanor, I heard the tone in his voice that made me think he was holding himself back. There was longing, even if it was faint.
“My vow wasn’t to the high priestess,” I reminded him. “I made my vow to the goddess. I ... I can’t.”
A dark mischief lit up his eyes. “I promise not to tell her.”
“That’s not how this works. She will know.”
“What do you think she would do to you?”
“In order to be able to wield magic, I have to abstain from ‘pleasures of the flesh.’”
“Who told you that?”
“The life mage apprentice that I briefly held against his will. He said that in order for the magic to work, the life mages had to avoid ‘pleasures of the flesh.’” I felt foolish saying the phrase again.
“That’s a shame. Pleasures of the flesh are the best kind.”
I think he meant to tease, but it came across rough and full of desire and my body responded. My stomach went molten; my skin felt feverish, desperate for his touch; my lungs no longer functioned. I had to swallow it all down, push it aside.
When I finally got my voice working again, it was shaking. “It’s not just the magic. It’s the fact that I’m supposed to be the savior. I don’t know what I’m meant to do, but I do know that I have to remain in favor with the goddess by obeying her rules.”
