That caused a pang of sorrow so deep and sharp that it rivaled the pain I felt from the prolonged magic use.
“Keep talking,” I said through clenched teeth. “Tell me something I don’t know. Something secret.”
His expression turned serious. “I dream of you.”
“That isn’t a secret. I know that.”
“No. You talking about Quynh made me remember a dream I’ve had about you. You are pregnant with my baby. We’re in Locris, in that courtyard where we first met. And we’re happy.”
The air solidified in my lungs. That hadn’t been a dream. I’d been awake. There was no way he could have been a part of it.
But I’d never told anyone else about it. “When did you dream this?”
“The day of our wedding.”
Now I had to work hard to pull air into my chest. That was exactly when I’d had that vision. How had we shared that?
His expression was guarded, and I couldn’t make out what his tone meant as he kept talking. “There are other times that I dream of you walking with the goddess in fields of golden wheat, moving farther and farther away from me. I can’t reach you, no matter how hard I try.”
I’d had a dream like that as well—trying to get to him and not being able to. What did that mean? “They’re just dreams,” I said with a lump in my throat. “They don’t mean anything.”
I could tell that neither one of us believed that. Too many things were happening at once. My traitorous feelings rushed around inside me, exacerbating the pain. I let out a stifled moan.
“Breathe,” he said. “In and out. Is there a way for you to take more from me? Would that help?”
I didn’t know. I remembered Zalira talking about how she had thought of what she wanted, focused on it. I did that. I concentrated on his light and tried to pull it up into my hands, and then I imagined it spreading into my body and soothing every part that hurt.
“I think it’s working,” I said. “Tell me if it’s too much. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t,” he said. “You are doing so good.” He reached up to rest his right palm against my face and I leaned into him, closing my eyes.
He spoke again. “Thank you for sharing with me today. For telling me the things that you did. I know it hasn’t been easy for you to trustme.” There was a rough quality to his voice that made me open my eyes again.
“You’re welcome.”
He smiled slightly. “Your eyes are so green right now.”
“That’s what happens when we do magic. Io said it’s like the eye—” I clamped my lips together as an internal alarm sounded. I had just been about to tell him about the eye of the goddess when I had been so careful. What was wrong with me? “Like the goddess is with us and showing it through our eyes.”
If he picked up on what I’d just done, he didn’t convey it. “I suppose I didn’t notice yesterday because your eyes change colors depending on what you’re wearing.”
They did? I hadn’t realized that about myself. Growing up, I hadn’t been able to wear different colors, so my clothing had been some shade of beige or gray.
He moved his hand so that he could run his fingers through my hair. “The night of the festival, when you wore that green tunic, your eyes were such a bright green and ...”
Now he was the one falling silent. This felt like extremely dangerous territory. I held my breath.
“It happens in our dreams, too,” he said. “Your eyes are always the shade they are now.”
They were? I hadn’t known that. Probably because I hadn’t spent time looking into mirrors in our dreams.
No, there was the one time in the cavern when I’d stood in front of a large green mirror asking to see my fate. I had seen my family, including my brother, Haemon, and had been focused on them. I hadn’t noticed the color of my eyes.
The main thing that dream had wanted to show me was Xander. Telling me that he was my fate. My true reflection. I felt so conflicted. I wanted so badly to just be selfish and give in to my desires.
“What are you thinking?” he asked. How did he always seem to know when I struggled with my attraction toward him?
“There are two terawolves inside me. And they are demanding completely opposite things. Both would consume me if given the chance. They would take over my life, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for either option. I want them but I can’t have both.”
