Not to mention that I didn’t know how to use the eye and was worried that I wouldn’t receive further messages from the goddess if I did the things I so desperately wanted to do.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “And even if they did ... there’s no future for Xander and me.”
“Why do you say that?”
“As I mentioned earlier, I’m not supposed to survive. Which would certainly put a damper on our relationship.”
Ignoring my sarcasm, she responded, “If I had to lay odds on you or on a prophecy, my money would be on you every single time. You’re going to live.”
There were other factors. “Io made me promise not to hurt Xander. To keep my distance.”
A frown marred her features. “Why would you agree? I would think you’d enjoy hurting him. Getting him to fall for you and then leaving him to twist and suffer.”
“No, I’d never do that—”
“Aha!” she exclaimed triumphantly while pointing at me. “I knew it! You do love him!”
Her words punched deep into my gut and I almost doubled over in response. “That’s not what I’m—”
Quynh seemed determined to not let me finish a sentence. “Thrax told me how you raced to save Xander in Lycia. That you didn’t even hesitate.”
“Because of the physical link we share.” Quynh wanted me to be honest with her and I was lying through my teeth. Which made no sense, because I’d already told Xander why I’d gone in after him.
But if I said it out loud, if I said it to my sister, it would make it all real. And I wasn’t prepared to face it.
“That’s not true.”
I knew it wasn’t true, but I wished people would stop saying that he and I had feelings for each other. It was too much, too big, too overwhelming. Too many different things were happening all at once. I needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through what was coming.
Not worrying about silly things like this. I kept up my charade. “I’m a means to an end for him. I’m how he gets to become king.”
She let out an exasperated sigh and then said something I couldn’t understand before saying, “That was me questioning your intelligence in Thracian. Basileia taught me how to do it. And I understand that Io is your sister, but it wasn’t fair for her to ask that of you.”
Feeling defensive of my adelphia sister, I said, “I don’t want to hurt him, either. He’s been through a lot, suffered so much loss.”
“So have you,” she pointed out. “And unfortunately, getting hurt is the cost of loving people. Not just romantically, but with every kind of love. And it’s not a choice that either you or Io get to make for Xander. He gets to decide what he wants and what he’s willing to risk.”
I didn’t want to tell her my fears, but I couldn’t help myself. “He’s never said anything remotely like that to me.”
“Hasn’t he?”
“Not as Xander.” When he’d been masquerading as Jason, he had made some big declarations.I pledge to you my whole heart. My entire soul. Every part of my being already belongs to you. Ask for anything and it is yours.And I had dismissed them as being part of his scheme to trick me. “And not while undrugged. Which, by the way, Io told me you conspired with her to have him drink honeyed wine.”
She didn’t even look a little ashamed. “I heard that went the way we thought it would—he headed straight for you and tried to seduce you. And sometimes people show you how they feel instead of telling you. Thanks to Thrax, I know how Xander has shown you.”
My husband had done things that might be construed that way. Even the night before, when he had braided my hair. My heart raced faster and faster until I had a hard time completely catching my breath. I couldn’t let myself believe what she was saying. It couldn’t be true.
“Love is supposed to be gentle and sweet,” I said. “Understanding. Peaceful. Comforting. Like what Father and Mother have. Or what Haemon and Doria shared.” Xander and I were not those things.
“Sometimes,” she agreed. “And sometimes love is battles and fires and earthquakes and bloodshed. It can be small and quiet or it can be loud and epic. It doesn’t look the same for every couple.”
My limbs trembled slightly. This was such a ridiculous reaction to be having. “I feel ... too raw. Like my nerve endings are frayed and painful.”
“That’s understandable. You need some time to figure things out.”
It wasn’t time that I needed. “All I wanted was to heal my nation and lead a quiet life.”
“That’s not what you were meant to do,” she said. “It sounds as if the goddess chose you before you were ever born. But it’s up to you to decide. I think you could find a way to make this all work, if that’s what you want.”
