It felt so unfair that I had just gotten all this and it was going to be taken away.
Chapter Forty-Eight
We put distance between ourselves and the inn. I could imagine that Autolycus would happily sell information about us to Carian search parties, and I wanted to be far enough away that it wouldn’t matter if he did.
Xander rode next to me, carrying on a conversation with Haemon the entire time. As they exchanged their life stories, I was glad they got along so well and liked each other so much.
That they would have their friendship after I was gone.
My chest ached as I watched Xander laugh at something my brother said.
I love you.
For a moment I was terrified that I had spoken the words aloud, that I had done something I could never undo.
Because I had to be selfless where he was concerned. It wouldn’t be fair to him to admit that I shared his feelings and then leave him to a lifetime without me. I didn’t know how the love bond worked. Maybe if it was one-sided, not fully connected, he would be able to move on. Find someone new and love again.
And I found that I wanted that for him. Even though the fanged, jealous monster inside me roared to life, I shushed it. I wanted him to be happy.
To have a whole lifetime of happiness.
Something I wouldn’t ever be able to give him.
After what had happened over the last couple of days, I also had a fear that even if I could move past everything else and admit my true feelings, something bad would happen if I did. That it would somehow cause his death.
I knew it wasn’t rational, but I couldn’t ever be rational where he was concerned.
Stupid girl, are you protecting him or are you protecting yourself?
I didn’t have an answer. I wanted it to be the first one but worried that it was the second.
A few hours later Xander called for us to stop and rest. Haemon dismounted by himself and was able to walk a few steps and sit. I got down and went over to check on Luna.
Still sleeping.
Everyone set out to accomplish various tasks. I found myself drifting away from the group. I wanted to be alone for a moment, to take a chance to process everything that had happened.
Everything that was fated to happen in the near future.
I sat down on a fallen log and let out a big breath.
“May I join you?” Xander asked.
“That was so polite,” I said admiringly. “All you needed to add was a ‘please.’ And yes.”
If he had been anyone else, I might have asked him to leave.
But he was different.
He sat down next to me. “I’m so tired of being poisoned.”
“I’m tired of saving you from being poisoned.”
That earned me a grin. “I understand. It has been exhausting continually saving you from harm.”
He rubbed his left arm where he had the scar—the one we had shared after I’d been attacked in our washroom and he had rescued me. Mine was gone but his remained.
“Why didn’t you let the healers remove your scar?” I asked. I wanted to reach out and stroke the length of it but decided against it. I found that I needed to talk to him because there were still things I wanted to know before the end. If I touched him I knew what we’d spend our entire break doing.
