‘I’m good, I’ll save my party for tomorrow,’ Luke replies.
I have to wake Maeve from her blanket nest on the couch to lift her into her pram, and she is not happy about it. The Christmas lights street is one cul-de-sac over, and thank goodness our street has collectively agreed to stay out of the lights business, because Elsie does not need that additional stress. The evening is thick, but the dusk sky more than makes up for it.
‘We should take a photo for Dad,’ Mum says, looking to Luke expectantly.
‘I’m on it.’
He holds his phone up at a strange angle and we all crouch awkwardly in the middle of the road to fit into frame. I put my hands on my hips, looking away, because I don’t know what else to do with myself. When Luke shows us the results, I see that Maeve has perfected a head-tilted, gentle smile and I try not to be too envious of an almost-two-year-old’s comfort and ability to be perceived.
Cockatoo Crescent is already buzzing with locals and fully alight, despite it not being quite dark when we arrive. The most logical approach is to start on the left side of the street and do a clockwise loop, but Mum immediately takes off to the right to talk to a neighbour and Olivia rushes ahead to talk to Marla Bennett, who she often complains won’t leave her alone. I anticipate, and hope, that Luke will spot someone he wants to talk to, but he does not. We are the least compatible pairing in the family, I am now aware, locked into some kind of silent truce in front of the others, and I decide to focus on a running commentary for Maeve so I don’t feel the awkwardness of having nothing to say to my brother.
‘Look at the snowman, he’s winking. And Santa is parachuting from the roof. That’s funny, isn’t it? Oh, but I don’t like the Minions. Why are Minions still a thing? It’s a bit silly, isn’t it, Maevey?’
‘So, you and Fran still close?’ Luke asks.
It could be a light question or a heavy one, and it is up to me how I choose to respond. I do not have to mirror people’s energy back to them, I can stay attuned to my own, if I can figure out what it is at any given moment.
‘Sort of,’ I reply.
‘So, what happened there? He didn’t look too thrilled to hear about you and Levi.’
Despite being the one to have told Fran about Levi, in quite a dramatic and slut-shaming way, his tone right now does not seem judgemental, more curious, though he is not exactly apologetic for blowing up at me in the first place. I envy his ability to be so utterly shame-free. There does not seem to be much point in avoiding honesty, and I wonder if it is my own masking that has denied us that up until now.
‘Me, I think,’ I say, shrugging.
‘Oh, right. Well, I hear that.’
‘Is that what happened with you and Laura? I’m assuming the Poppy thing means you two are broken up?’
Luke looks at me quickly, sprung, and seemingly upset about it. Men really do find it traumatising to be confronted with the things they themselves have done. But I took my cue to mention Poppy from his bringing up of Levi, so I do not understand why it would be upsetting for him. He looks around to make sure no one has overheard me, and when he realises we are entirely alone, takes a breath.
‘I think so,’ he finally replies.
‘So, you are separating, then?’
‘Apparently.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s fine. She met someone else, apparently after we decided to break up, but who knows.’
Perhaps we are more alike than either of us would care to admit, or perhaps this is just a shared experience that brings with it the opportunity to bond over not being wanted by the people we care about most. I am not sure how to express any of that, so I try for a rueful kind of smile and we keep walking. Siblings are complicated; life is complicated.
‘I’m sorry I told you to go fuck yourself,’ I say, surprising myself.
‘It’s fine. You’re not the first,’ he replies.
‘You could try being kinder.’
‘You could try shutting up.’
He has attempted a playful tone, but I take the direction anyway, searching unsuccessfully for Fran in every front yard we pass. I am starting to feel anxious about seeing him, about having to explain yet again why I have done something that may or may not have hurt him. Mum finds her way back to us about halfway along the street, and she has gathered intel to share with the group.
‘Now that everyone is using those LED lights, it only costs a couple of dollars to have them running for the whole month,’ she reports.
‘That’s not bad,’ Luke says.
Mum does not stop for breath.
