He squeezes my shoulder and stays quiet as we wait. I find myself regulating my breathing in line with his, and this gives me something to do until Mum’s name is called by a nurse who has appeared in front of a set of automatic doors.
‘Send Dad our love, we’ll be here,’ I call out, but Mum does not respond or acknowledge that she heard.
I can no longer sit still, so I loiter outside the gate into the kids’ area, waving and making faces at Maeve until Elsie reappears, her face contorted and her hands balled in tight fists. Fran stays close to my side as I make my way over to her.
‘How is he, can we see him?’ Olivia asks, standing and walking over to the gate.
‘Your father didn’t have a heart attack, he’s just not getting enough attention at home, apparently,’ Mum announces, her hands opening and closing, and her eyes darting in every direction but ours.
The people in the seats around us widen their eyes and look away.
‘What do you mean?’ Olivia asks.
‘It wasn’t a heart attack,’ Mum repeats. ‘He just couldn’t handle that the focus wasn’t on him for once.’
‘So, it was nothing?’ Olivia looks more confused than before, bouncing Maeve on her hip. She comes out of the play area to try and create some semblance of privacy for this tricky conversation. Luke remains silent, drinking his Coke.
‘The doctor called it a panic attack, as though he has anything to panic about. Come on, Luke. It’s time to go home.’
‘Mum, I think panic attacks can cause heart attack–like symptoms,’ Olivia says, keeping her voice quiet and steady.
‘I just don’t understand why he would do this to me two days before Christmas.’ Mum is pacing in circles, wringing her hands and not blinking, not even once.
‘Mum, I understand you’re upset. We’ve all had a huge shock,’ I say, trying to find empathy for her in this moment, and mostly failing.
‘I’m surprised you have even noticed something is happening, seeing as it doesn’t involve you in any way,’ she replies, her voice a hiss.
There are so many terrible things I wish to say to her that I cannot find where to start, and instead am left gulping like a fish.
‘Right, well I reckon it’s time to take you home,’ Luke says, taking control and redirecting Elsie’s focus from me in a way I can only interpret as kind.
‘We’ll come too, Maeve is long overdue her nap,’ Olivia says.
‘I want to see Dad, though – can you wait?’ I ask.
Mum has already started walking towards the exit. Luke follows without looking back, and Olivia makes a sympathetic face, as though she wishes she could stay too. I shake Maeve’s hand goodbye, a little joke I like to do.
‘I can drop you home,’ Fran says.
‘Great, we’ll see you back there. Send Dad our love,’ Olivia says, and they are gone.
My head is spinning. We rushed here like our lives depended on it, and now because Dad’s physiological symptoms have pointed to a different ailment than we initially believed, everyone leaves without even seeing him. How does that make any sense? Something is very wrong with this family. I ask the woman at the desk if I can go through and see my dad. She tells me to wait to the side, while she calls someone to bring me through. I wonder how many members of staff heard Elsie’s outburst. I wonder if it is something they see a lot of, or if Mum is unique in this unfortunate way.
‘I won’t be long,’ I say to Fran, and follow the nurse through the doors to a long hallway.
We take a few turns, this way and that, and I do not even try to remember the way out. I can only hope someone will show me where to go when I am done.
‘He’s through here, the bed closest to the window,’ the nurse says, and leaves me to my visit.
Dad is lying back in his bed watching TV when I walk in. He does not seem to notice me at first.
‘Hey, Dad, how are you feeling?’ I say, announcing my presence.
He turns, eyes tired, his body looking as though it has shrunk to the size of an old person.
‘I’m fine, it’s all a big misunderstanding. I’m just waiting to go home,’ he says, none of the normal reassurance in his voice.
‘Mum said it was a panic attack. What happened?’
