I giggled. “You could never be dusty.”
She giggled as well. “Thank you, baby. I keep telling you to get you a pen pal. We have nothing but time on our hands. At least have a little fun. Once I get approved for these conjugal visits, I’m gonna have a whole lot of fun.”
I shook my head as though she could see me. “Dating is the last thing on my mind, Riss. I don’t trust these men as it is. What can we do for each other while I’m in here?”
She huffed. “Use your imagination. Make plans for the future. You won’t be in here forever, you know.”
“I still have twenty years, Riss. Ain’t no future for me when I get out of here. I’ll be lucky to find a job making minimum wage.”
I often thought about what I would do upon release. I’d gotten my GED a year into my sentence. I’d also gotten my cosmetology license through the vocational program. I did a lot of the girls’ hair around here. It kept them off my back and me on their good side. Maybe I could get a job at a hair salon. It had never been my aspiration in life, but it was a useful skill.
I had been on the fast track to a full scholarship to the Black Ivies where I’d planned to major in chemistry and minor in biology. With my conviction, I’d lost all of that. Even when I got out, I couldn’t afford to pursue that degree. What kind of job would I be able to get? If I took out a student loan, how would I pay it back? Was forty-seven too late to begin thinking about starting over anyway?
I just didn’t know what I would do. Whatever I did, I knew for certain I didn’t want to be behind these barbwire fences and concrete walls ever again.
“You gotta speak shit into existence, Alayah. Stop being so damn negative. I’ve told you about that.”
I sighed. “I know, I know.”
“You’re a beautiful young woman, baby. Any man would be lucky to have you.”
“I don’t trust men, Carissa. I want nothing to do with them.”
“Then get you a lady.”
That made me laugh. “In all the time you’ve known me, have you ever once heard me say I like women?”
“Chile, if you’re in here long enough, you’ll start to wonder. Being behind these walls cut off from the outside world, you miss intimacy. You miss being held and loved. I don’t judge anybody. We’re all just trying to live and survive in here.”
She was right about that. My fight-or-flight responses had kicked it up a notch in here. I lived in survival mode. I tried to tell myself that if I just made it to see tomorrow, I’d be okay. I’d been telling myself that since I got here. Unlike many of the women who came through those doors, I was still here.
I’d seen girls get jumped and beaten to death. I’d seen a few women get shanked and sent to the infirmary. I’d even known a few who couldn’t take it, so they took their lives. While I didn’t have much to live for, I still wanted tolive.
“You wanna know what I heard?” Carissa asked, amusement lacing her voice.
“Humor me.”
“My girl Candy…you know how her work duty is assisting the warden, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Guess who got approved for a parole hearing?”
“Who?”
“You, baby.”
My eyes widened. “What?” I whispered.
Me? Parole?
“The paperwork came through yesterday evening. Don’t tell nobody though. You know these bitches act funny when they think you’re getting out.”
I hadn’t heard much else of what she said. The fact that she just told me I was approved for a parole hearing was a wild statement. My aunt and uncle had gotten me a new lawyer about a year ago. When I met with her, she had me go through the process of filling out the paperwork for a hearing. I did it with no hope that it would get approved. I’d all but given up on getting out early, but my aunt and uncle had so much faith in me that I just did it to appease them.
My lawyer, Erica Sawyer, came to see me once a week. I didn’t ask about the progress and told her not to tell me anything unless she had a definite answer. She respected my wishes, and we talked about everything but parole. I’d honestly forgotten about it until Carissa said something.
Leaning against the wall, I took a few deep breaths.
