“Very,” I responded. “That’s why I didn’t manage to say anything.”
Mike flopped down next to me, completely oblivious to my mood, threw an arm around me, and pulled me close to him. His raggedy T-shirtwas full of holes, and his Bermuda shorts looked like something from a thrift shop. “Good to see you, sister-in-law!”
“What is it?” I asked. “You only ever act this way when you want something.”
“Ouch. That hurts. And it’s not true, anyway, or not really. I was just wondering if you might give up the rest of the couch. I’m beat, I’m basically sleepwalking. I mean, you could share it with me if you like, far be it from me to repress a lady’s desires.”
“No thanks,” I said.
But I didn’t make it up before Jack walked in, dragging his feet just as when he’d left. He didn’t look especially happy to see me. Mike, rambunctious as usual, told him how he’d seen him on the television and had said to himself,Jeez, that’s my brother.“I forget sometimes you’re actually famous now.”
Jack ignored him. I don’t know what expression he had on his face—I was resting my chin on my knees, turned away from him—but when he told me, “Jen, let’s go to the bedroom and talk,” I was sure I could hear the guilt in his voice.
Of course, I wanted to say yes—I wanted to know what was going on—but I also wasn’t in the mood for a serious talk, especially one where I might get hurt. Not that night. So I said, “Why don’t you go ahead? I’m not really tired.”
I didn’t mean that to sound angry, but I was sure it did. Jack groaned and said, “Come on. Please.”
I didn’t like to be ordered around, but I was also embarrassed to be doing this in front of Mike, who stood, to his credit, and said, “Look, guys, it seems like something’s up with you all, so I’m going to beat it and let you talk in peace.”
“Don’t worry about it, Mike, we’re good,” I said, and got up to follow Jack to his room. Mike shrugged, flopped down, and closed his eyes. Oncewe’d shut the door behind us, I took my time choosing my pajamas and Jack walked around to the front of the bed, crossing his arms.
“Listen, before you scream at me…”
“Jack,” I said, “you should ask yourself if that’s really how you want to start this. If you truly think it’s a good idea to start this conversation with the suggestion that I’m the one being irrational when I just had to find out on a goddamn TV program thatshegot to go see you andIdidn’t. Think about how that made me feel. Do you not trust me? Because otherwise, I really don’t get it.”
I could feel myself flushing from head to toe. He didn’t want me to get defensive? Well fine, I’d go on the offense. Jack tried to tell me I was jumping to conclusions, but I spoke over him, raising my voice: “What was the phrase you used:No more secrets, I promise? What happened to that? And another thing: how would you feel if the tables were turned? You nearly lost your damned mind when Curtis came over here, and I’ve only ever seen him outside of class a handful of times! How in the hell do you think I feel knowingshewas there?”
“It’s not the same,” he said. And before I could start yelling again, he added, “Vivian knows what it means to go through this. You don’t!”
My heart was pounding, and I was almost scared. I hadn’t expected things to get so heated so quickly. Frustrated, Jack ran his hand through his hair. I had two options: I could get even angrier and start a screaming match, which was tempting, or I could be an adult and try to restore peace, which was boring.
“Maybe that’s true,” I said, drawing a breath, “but does that mean I didn’t have the right to be there and support you?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“What do you mean, it’s not that easy? It’s not that easy to put me on a list, come out and see me, and let me lend you a hand? What the hell do you think it feels like, knowing everyone got to go see you there but me?”
“Jen, dammit, listen to me! Rehab isn’t some cakewalk! It gets ugly in there!Igot ugly in there! I said some nasty things to people, things I still regret, and I didn’t want to do that to you. You can’t imagine the person I became. And I didn’t want…”
“Jack, listen to me.” I walked over to him, cradled his face in my hands, and looked at the little green flecks in his chestnut-brown eyes, which were sadder than I’d ever seen them. “Let’s get one thing straight. I need you to believe—I need you to stop everything right now and believe—that I’m not going to turn around and run off every time you do something wrong. OK? Because I won’t. Never. I’m with you. I’m here. And I’m not going to leave. What can I do to get you to understand that?”
He mumbled, “It’s not you, Jen. It’s just…”
“Whatever.” It was time to put the issue to bed. “It’s fine. You didn’t tell me. It is what it is. I hid things from you before, I wish you hadn’t hidden this from me, but I’ll deal with it, it hurts, but we’ll get past it. She’s your friend, so I’ll try to… I don’t know…get along with her or whatever. If it will make things easier, I mean.”
I tried to smile reassuringly, but I couldn’t manage it when I saw his expression, which had changed from nervous to…cautious?Oh no.
“What?” I asked him. I could sense I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear. Instinctively, my hands dropped to my sides and I turned away.
“There’s something you need to know.”
“What?” I asked.
“Remember when I told you I…that I didn’t do anything with anybody for the year we were apart?”
I turned back at him and glared. I didn’t like where this was going. Not one bit. “Oh, so that was a lie? Is that what you need to tell me?”
“I mean, I… OK, I kissed some people, you know. And with some people it went a little farther than that. Don’t think I was out there just hooking up with just whoever, though.”
