“I mean, honestly, I just assumed you’d regretted it as soon as you left,” he remarked sadly. “I didn’t tell you this, but the night of Lana’s party, I saw it poking up out of your skirt, and even if it’s cheesy, it made me so happy. This dumb part of me was worried you might have gotten it covered up.”
“I would never do that.”
I was still in shock, trying to absorb the whole story he’d told me. But there was one thing that was still eating at me. “I get that your mother didn’t do anything. I don’t approve of it, but I understand. Itwasher husband, maybe she was just too submissive or too traditional. But Agnes? She has such a strong character!”
“She never knew,” Jack said. “She’d already had such a hard time with my grandfather, and I didn’t want her to learn that her son was exactly like him. When we went to the hospital, we told her I’d had an accident on the court. If she ever found out what Dad had done, she’d have killed him.”
I suddenly felt furious—at Mr. Ross but also at Mary. I’d never had a child, but in my heart I knew I could never do what she’d done, knowing how vulnerable young people are. I let all this out to Jack, and heresponded with feigned indifference, “Yeah, well, believe it, because it’s true.”
He sounded crushed, and I wanted to help, but I didn’t know what to do. Did he want a hug, a kind word, or just to be left on his own? Uncertain, I waited for him to react. After a few seconds he did. Clenching his jaw, looking so lost, he told me, “No one ever came to my defense. Not until tonight. Not until you did.”
It took me a few seconds to speak: “Jack, I’ll always defend you, no matter what. Even if you are an idiot.”
I’d hoped to make him laugh with that last word, and it worked. He said, “I know you will. But it’s weird for me. I’ve never been able to believe in anyone before. I’ve never just known that someone was there for me. And I don’t know what that means for me, how I’m supposed to act, you know.”
“Well, that makes two of us,” I said, “because nobody in my life has ever supported me the way you have.”
“Some fucking couple we are, right? I keep my whole life a secret from you, you dump me so I can go to another country to study…how the hell are we going to make this work?”
I forgot that he’d heard the part about why I’d left school so quickly. I felt guilty, and my eyes opened wide as I wondered what he was going to say next.
“If I didn’t love you so much,” he responded, “I’d give you hell for actually listening to my father. I warned you when we first met to stay away from him.”
“Honestly, I deserve it,” I said. “If you chewed me out, I could feel at peace with myself. Because I realize now how stupid I was.”
“Fine. I told you so. But don’t say you were stupid. You’ve been manipulated too many times. That doesn’t have to shape you, though. And as someone who’s known you for a little while now, I may as well tell you…you’ve changed.”
“For the worse, I’m assuming.”
“No, Jen, for the better. You’re not the same person you were. You’re not scared to say what you think, you’re not scared to stand up to someone, even to my father, and make it clear that nobody’s going to push you around. Last year’s Jen would never have been capable of that.”
I blushed, but his words made me feel good. And I knew Jack was picking up on something that had happened deep inside me. I had changed, I knew that, but he was the first one to notice, and I was so grateful I could almost have cried.
Maybe to take the edge off the moment, he added, “Listen, though. Don’t let all these compliments go to your head.”
“We’ll see,” I told him.
He reached out and took my hand. Then he turned serious again. “I heard basically everything you and Dad said to each other. The money you took from him… Is it true? Did you really keep it to help me?”
I nodded and squeezed his hand. “I did, Jack. And it’s there whenever you’re ready.”
“I’m ready,” he said. “Fuck it. I’m more than ready.” He closed his eyes a moment. “I’ve been thinking, and… I’m supposed to go on tour for the film, and I don’t want to be high when I’m doing it. When I’m old, I don’t want to look back at my first big accomplishment and have that be all I remember. You’ve been right this whole time, Jen. I need help.”
“We’ll get it for you,” I told him. “And all of us will be there for you.”
He grinned as he murmured, “I heard you say something to my father about how you loved me…?”
Oh. That.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t start to panic a little just then. Of course, I loved him. But was I ready to say it? Was I ready to admit it to myself?
I could tell he was waiting. I could tell he needed me to confess. But I vacillated: “Come on, you have to know the answer…”
“Maybe. But if you don’t say it, I’m worried I’ll have a heart attack.”
I laughed, felt my body relax, and finally nodded. Why go on hiding it?
“Yeah. I love you.”
