“Wait. What do you mean, a girl answered? What girl?”
“I don’t know. She had an accent…”
“Vivian…” he realized. “She never told me.”
Of course. How had I not realized earlier? I didn’t know what to say, and I was scared, because he was furious. Whatever had been happening between us up to that moment had died. Jack cursed and pushed me off his lap, then stood and started pacing and running his hand through his hair.
“Jack, it’s OK,” I reassured him. “Let’s talk about it…”
“No, Jen, it’s not OK. She knew…she knew… Dammit! I was a wreck that day and she knew it! And still, she didn’t say anything!”
I thought of suggesting she might have forgotten, just to talk him off the ledge, but if even I didn’t believe that, how could I expect him to? Ithad clearly been intentional, and I needed to know what she’d done it for, so I asked, even as it made me nervous: “Why would she do that?”
“Because she doesn’t think you’re good enough for me. And she was there for a long time. She saw how messed up I was. I missed you. She knew I missed you. That’s probably why she hid it from me. She didn’t want me to ever have to go through that again.”
I didn’t know what to say. I could understand her reasoning. But I also hated her for it.
“The thing is, though,” Jack went on, “whatever her motivations were, it’s my phone! It’s my life! If I want to talk to someone, it’s my right! She doesn’t get to just grab my phone and…”
“Jack!” I interrupted him. “Let it go. It’s in the past. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It matters to me.”
“Fine, but what is getting mad at her now going to do? It’s not like she’s here so you can tell her off. Save it for the next time you see each other, but for now, try to just appreciate your time with me.”
That made him reflect, and he sat back down next to me. I scooted over and leaned into him. He’d gone from high to low and now just seemed confused and exhausted.
“What happened that day, Jack? Was it really that bad?”
“I don’t know, Jen. It was so much all at once. Chaos, and then I found myself alone with her, and that’s when it got really bad. I didn’t want to talk, but she just kept pressing me, and she got me to let all this stuff out, about my past and whatever, and I couldn’t shake the sadness. I got depressed. And that’s when I wound up relapsing.”
I already knew all this, but hearing it from his own lips shocked me. And the thought that I might have had something to do with it made it that much worse. The thought that maybe I could have done something if, instead of deciding to leave him on his own, I had kept calling and callinguntil I reached him. He might have relapsed no matter what, but shouldn’t I have tried? I don’t know. This, too, was the past, and there was nothing I could do about it anymore.
Ashamed, Jack confessed, “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to look at me as someone with problems, someone who couldn’t hold his life together.”
“Jack, we all have bad times.”
“I know, but…what if this is more than a bad time? What if this is who I am? Do you really want to be with someone like that?”
Was that what he was scared of? That if I knew the truth, I’d push him away? That was almost laughable, but this wasn’t the moment to tell him that, so I just gave him a squeeze and repeated, “We all have bad times, and that’s part of life. I’m not going to judge who you are because of one mistake.”
“I haven’t made just one mistake, Jen. I’ve made lots of them.”
“Either way. It’s not like I thought you were perfect.” I smirked. “And I’m not either. I’ve made tons of mistakes. I made a mistake when I left you. But I know how to forgive. If I can forgive you for not liking barbecue pizza, I can forgive you for anything.”
Since he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, I continued: “And as far as us being together, we can talk about that later, OK? Right now, there are more important things. Like you getting better.”
“Getting better?”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, Jack, but whatever you’re taking, you need to quit.”
“It’s not that easy, Jen. I need it.”
“You’ve spent more years of your life without drugs than with them. And that means that you can live without them. You just need help. And you’ve got it, right here. Everyone who lives here loves you, Jack. Your mother loves you. Your grandmother adores you. Even Mike caresabout you. I know you guys don’t always get along, but he’ll always be there for you.”
“Fine. But what does that mean in practical terms, Jen? What am I actually supposed to do?”
“You need professional help.”
