“Yeah. Then he went up to the roof to smoke. I thought about following him, but he seemed on edge, like he needed time to himself. You think that’s a good or a bad thing?”
He took a couple of cups from the cabinet and placed them on the counter almost automatically, as if his mind were somewhere else. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I hope so, but I don’t know.”
So much for my run, I thought, sitting on a stool, crossing my arms on the counter, and resting my chin on them as Will served us. He remembered exactly how I liked my coffee. That’s just the kind of guy he was.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you yesterday,” he said, and I saw his shoulders tense under his blue T-shirt.
“Don’t worry, I deserved it.”
“No you didn’t, Jenna. And I could have explained it better or been a little more mature. I shouldn’t have flipped out like that. So just let me apologize.”
“Fine,” I said. “Apology accepted. And I’m sorry I’m an idiot giving that kind of money to a guy who has problems. So are we good now?”
He grinned. “We’re good. But don’t do it again.”
“I’ll try, but I can’t promise.”
Noticing the distracted way Will was stirring his coffee and the look of worry on his face, I asked him, “How much do you know about what’s going on with Ross? You don’t have to answer, I just feel…sort of out of the loop, you know? Where I’m from, drugs have never really been a thing. So I’m wondering if I should, like, do some reading or something…”
“How much do I know… Well, let’s say I know the signs. It feels a little early to get all deep with you, but to hell with it. My brother died of an overdose when I was a kid.”
He tried to smile, to let me know not to feel sorry for him, but sadness overtook his entire face and, for a moment, I felt myself turn to stone. I had realized our conversation might take a dark turn, but I could never have imagined it would be like this. I reached over and touched his arm. It wasn’t much of a consolation, but at least it might make him feel a little less alone.
“It was a long time ago,” he continued. “Just before my thirteenth birthday. He and my parents were fighting all the time. They’d tried to get him to go to rehab, I think they even succeeded once, but it was no use. He just kept relapsing, over and over. Then one day Mom found him lying on the floor in the doorway. He’d come in early one morning, when everyone was still in bed and no one could hear him. By the time we woke, there wasn’t much we could do.”
His voice was monotone, so different from his usual warmth. I wanted to hug him, but I let him keep telling his story.
“It tore my parents to pieces, and it wasn’t long until they got divorced. I met Naya soon after that. She was my rock at that moment in my life, the only person who really supported me through it all. Ross and I were already friends then, but he was dealing with his own shit. I wouldn’t say he abandoned me, he just couldn’t be there for me the way I needed. You know, I can remember my brother before and after the drugs. I remember him smiling, going out with friends, walking me to school, standing up for me when other kids tried to beat me up…then, in the blink of an eye, all that was gone. He wasn’t even the same person anymore. Drugs were everything for him, and he needed a bigger and bigger hit every time.
“He started stealing from us, from my grandparents, from strangers. He’d do anything, hurt anyone, and nothing was ever enough. It was pathetic, the way he used to beg and try to blackmail us emotionally. But it kept working. I barely had pocket change, and I still gave him money. My parents told me not to, but what can you do when it’s your own brother? I couldn’t tell him no. I wonder sometimes if I could have stopped him if I’d just stayed strong. But to hell with it. It doesn’t matter anymore.
“All I’m trying to tell you is I know what it feels like when Ross comes to you asking for help and you can’t say no even though you know it isn’t right. I don’t blame you. But think about what you’re doing. Ross would never admit this to you, but he was in rehab before, when he was eighteen.I’d been trying to get him to kick the drugs, but he wouldn’t listen to me. Then everything came crashing down. His mother found him half dead and got him to a special facility, but they could only hold him for forty-eight hours without his consent. He kept swearing he would leave, and his mom asked Naya and me to go see him. I told him I’d already lost a brother and I didn’t want to lose my best friend, too. And that I wouldn’t walk with him down that road and watch him destroy himself. So he stuck it out for another month and a half, then he went to the lake house with his mom for a few months, then he was suddenly determined that he would take film directing seriously, and he got into school and was focused and doing great. And he met you. He’d never let another person get close to him like that. I liked it. I liked the new Ross.”
That was touching, but it also made me uncomfortable. Was he implying that my departure was part of Jack’s downfall? I wasn’t ready to go there yet, so I joked with him, “Didn’t you say it was a little early for deep conversations?”
He laughed and took a sip of his coffee, and I did the same, just to break the tension. “Sorry, I’m just worried. Something feels different this time, Jenna. I’m terrified for him, but I also don’t think I or anyone else can get him to change. It’s got to come from inside Ross. All we can do is try and help.”
“But what if that doesn’t work?” I asked.
He couldn’t respond before Jack returned, laying his cigarettes on the counter next to his keys. I hadn’t noticed them earlier. Wait—did that mean he had stayed here last night? The thought relieved me, but then I was startled because I realized Will and I were holding hands. It was nothing, we could never be anything but friends, but with Jack so sensitive, who knew how he’d take it. Will noticed at the same time as I did, and we both stood up straight as boards.
“Morning, partner,” Will said in a far more natural tone than I could have mustered. “You want a cup of coffee?”
Jack narrowed his eyes, suspicious. “Nah, I’m going to grab a shower.”
He ran his hand through his hair and walked to the bathroom. It was impossible to say what was going on in his mind.
Classes carried on, I started to get the hang of school, and I was surprised by how much I participated. Part of this was thanks to Curtis, who joked around but was sharp as a tack, and caught me up on the material better than I could ever have done on my own. He also did everything he could to help me fit in, but he worked his magic subtly and I barely noticed that I’d started forming new friendships on my own.
Jack didn’t get better in all that time. He spent that one night at home but then he vanished, and we hadn’t seen him since. Four days passed without a sign of life from him. He wouldn’t even answer my messages.
It upset me. Will told me not to worry. I tried to listen to him, but it was hard. Jack was a grown-up, I tried to tell myself. If he wanted to be out on his own, that was his right. Saying that was one thing, though, and believing it was something totally different.
I talked a lot with Spencer and Shannon, and they kept me up to date on the family. My grandmother had started taking a water aerobics class and was with her new friends most of the day, and that was why she hadn’t had time to call me. My sister told me she kept Grandma up to date on my life, though. She also let me know Owen was finally getting better at math, and I was relieved, because that was something he’d always struggled with. She didn’t mind sharing her daily struggles and frustrations, and Spencer was open about that stuff, too. I liked that, but I couldn’t do the same. I inevitably kept everything bad to myself and only brought up the good stuff.
I did some searching on the internet. Since I was clueless, I just typed in stuff likeHow do you help an addict?andWhat do you do for a friendwho’s sad?Naturally, I didn’t find much that was helpful, but I did note a few things:
a.Let the person know you’re with them despite everything.I had tried that, but I didn’t think it would work. Jack was mad at me, hurt, bitter.
